Photos

Most people over age 30 have photos- the real kind- the ones you can hold in your hand that are printed on photo paper.  But what happens to them after we are no longer able to identify the subjects or share the memory?  As an only child, I have pictures from my parents’ home.  I didn’t have to divide anything with siblings.  And most of the people in those pictures are long gone.  In fact, I don’t recognize many of them.  So what will my kids do with them?  A dilemma. 

I also have photos that I took of my kids when they were little.  Today, I don't recognize their friends.  And now that my kids are adults, they are only taking digital photos.  So what do we do with all the photos- real and digital?  I’m open to suggestions.

I have a photo of my dad and his parents from 1907 or 1908.  And one of my mother’s parents from around 1932.  The dates are guesses so my next “organizing task” is to attach a sticky note to the back of the photos.  I probably should make copies so that each of my kids have one.  If I leave it up to them to make the copies after I’m gone, it probably will not get done.  They may not care but I do. 

 

The two important questions are:  1) What do you really care about?  2) How much effort are you willing to invest to be able to check off the task on your list of Meaningful Things I Need to Do Before I am No Longer Able to do Them?

This actually might be a good January/February project – at least in the cold weather climates. 

How many of you have 8 or 16 mm movies of your family?  If I don’t get them transferred soon to a DVD, it is possible that my kids will be unable to view them.  And then their kids will miss out on the fun, too.  

And if I buy an online service to store my photos, what will happen to them when I am no longer around to pay the fee? The more stuff we have, the more complicated life becomes.

Recently, I saw a commercial for a local history display at one of the museums in town.  On the screen were photos from possibly the 1950’s.  There were no captions so I don’t know who took the photos or the names of the people in the photos.  So the question becomes, how did the museum get the pictures.  Were they donated?  Is credit given to the family?  Or did someone find random pictures at a flea market and then put together a display?  Think about all the historical pictures that pop up on the internet from time to time.  Would you want your family photos to go viral in twenty years?  There are no real answers- just something to think about.

Please chime in…..what are you doing with your family photos?

Year End--New Resolutions

The holiday season is upon us with its endless sales, recipes, invitations, decorations and music.  What I don’t see or hear about is PLANNING.   How do we accomplish what is expected of us by others and of ourselves?  We always hear about people who wait until the last minute to do what they have to do.  And, yes, the situation usually turns out ok.  But what about those spontaneous events that throw us off our course?  Do you have to go to the convenience store to buy a quick present or do you shop in September to avoid the crowds?  This is not a discourse on which way is best.  You can weigh the pros and cons of each scenario. 

Planning is so necessary and the real purpose of this blog.   Families who lose out are those who have tragic accidents befall them.  Most young people don’t plan for their death.  They don’t keep their important papers in one spot because they don’t think they have important papers. 

As the year ends, I challenge you to schedule an appointment with yourself to locate your important papers, to complete either my Vital Information Form or find another template that will work for you.  There is no time like NOW.  Do it.   If you can’t locate the Form, email me.  Make this one of your resolutions and keep it.

Start 2017 with a feeling of accomplishment.  While this is a small accomplishment in the scheme of everyday living, it is a great accomplishment for family and friends who have to deal with the aftermath of death.

I have scheduled time to review my Form this week.  With so many password changes,  a scheduled update for my Form is in my future.

Planning for life and death are not mutually exclusive. 

Enjoy your holidays....

Living Together and Not Married

If you are living with another person (a “partner”, a family member other than a spouse, or a friend) and you do not have a written set of instructions about what the individual needs to do if you are incapacitated or deceased, your “live in” will be put in an awkward situation.  It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you own the property and are cohabitating, it is so important that you take the time to write a will and letter of instruction.  Does your “live in” get the furniture or do your kids get it?  How long can your “live in” stay in the house/apartment?  What happens to the blue vase that your mother left you?  Yes, the state you live in may determine how the situation falls out, however, the overall intent is “be proactive and take the time to learn how to protect your “live in” and how to be responsible to your family”.

These are knotty questions and require some thought and a commitment of time to address.

And make sure someone other than your “live in” knows where you keep your important papers.  If you have not completed my form about your important financial and hsitorical information, email me and I will send you a copy.  Remember it is by no means the end all/ be all of information; it is a basis for you to add in your own personal touches.  I welcome your dialogue.

Until next time…

RUFADAA

No the title does not have typos nor is it a word in another language.  It is an acronym for – are you ready? - the Revised Uniform Fiduciary Access to Digital Assets Act.  That’s a mouthful but a topic for discussion.  You see the word “digital” so you know it has something to do with our online presence.  If you have shared your passwords and accounts with someone or have at least written down the info for your heirs to find, you may not be concerned about it.  But, if you have chosen not to pay attention to your digital life, then you must read this.  According to:
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/say-youre-dead-who-gets-access-to-your-online-accounts/, 20 states have enacted RUFADAA which will govern how your family/executor will be able to gain access to your online accounts if you die or become disabled.  It is anticipated that by the end of 2017, all states will have enacted this law.

I wrote about Facebook’s Legacy Program in the past (see Security Settings in Facebook) and check out Google, Yahoo, etc. for info about their regulations if you die or become incapacitated.  So even if you have a will or power of attorney, your digital life may just hang out there without anyone being able to either close it down or view it.  Think of all the photos that are stored on a site.  Think about online bank accounts.  If no one knows they are there and if no one has access to the passwords, then there could be problems for the family. 

An attorney quoted in the CBS article suggested the power of attorney document be amended to include information about digital access.  Yes, this is confusing.  Yes, you may not think your online presence is so important and yes, you don’t think anyone in your family would want access to your online life; however, what we think about today may change so drastically in the future.  When Pennsylvania passes this law- and it’s pending- I am going to contact my attorney to find out what documents I have to update. 

If you found this post helpful, please let me know.

Deliberate Steps

The following is a summary of an article by Miriam Goodman from nextavenue.org:

If you have been chosen to be the executor/executrix, you may need to get a tax ID number for the estate.  Contact the IRS or go to their website.  This is why it is so helpful if you know in advance that you will have this responsibility.  Hopefully, if you have had the conversation where you learned that you will be responsible, you know where the bank accounts and credit cards are located, whether or not the funeral is prepaid, where the burial plot is located, and the names of the lawyer and investment personsfinancial manager

You will also need a number of death certificates to satisfy the paperwork for banks, insurance companies and the like.  People have told me they needed 30 copies while others only needed 10.  You have to know your situation so you don’t have to wait for additional certificates if needed.  I didn’t know one needs a death certificate to have mail forwarded.  Makes sense, though.

The executor needs to check bank statements quickly so that any automatic deposits and withdrawals can be stopped. 

Another step, and they are not in any particular order, is to notify Social Security and to remember to ask for the lump sum survivors benefit which is given to help with funeral expenses.  Don’t get excited—it’s a drop in the bucket but a drop here and a drop there can add up to a puddle.

If it is applicable, notify the Veterans Administration, too.

And remember, the executor is doing all of the above while he is in mourning.  It’s a sad time yet one that is filled with paperwork and details. 

You can read more about this in Scott Taylor Smith’s When Someone Dies: the Practical Guide to the Logistics of Death.

If you found this blog helpful, let me know.

LOVE

I attended a lecture last week and the speaker talked about the death of his father.   The speaker is now the same age as his father was when the father died.  He said he was going to get all his affairs in order with instructions for his family and he was doing it out of love.  He also said- and this is what caught my attention- that when it comes time for his family to follow those instructions, they will do it out of love, too.  My focus has been on the convenience, the lessening the load for the family.  I overlooked the most important aspect of family or friendship- love. 

Although the speaker was in his early 70’s, the importance of getting  one’s papers in order and providing instructions for what should be done after death is not limited to older folks.  Young people and middle aged individuals should think about how much they love their family and friends and then out of love, not obligation, takes steps to ease the burden for those left behind. 

 

If you have not downloaded my information template, please email me and I will send you a copy.   You can send me a message in the comment section below.  

Until next time…

Social Security Benefts for Minors

During lunch on this gorgeous fall day in an outdoor café, my friend, who was widowed last year, told me that her daughter was receiving social security until she finishes high school.  She was not aware of this benefit until another friend mentioned it to her.   Of all the professionals with whom she was in contact as a result of the death of her husband, it was a friend who told her she should apply to Social Security on behalf of her daughter who is still a minor.  Such important information.  So create a note and leave it with your important papers if you have children under age 18 or who are still in high school.  Someone would need to apply for these benefits—the government will not track your children down and offer them the benefits.

In some countries, organ donation is expected and one can “opt out”.  Here in the US, one has to “opt in”.  And to receive insurance benefits of any kind, one has to “opt in”.  The responsibility falls on the consumer in the US.

Make that responsibility more palatable by organizing your important papers, having THE conversation with your family about your desires for end of life care, and collecting information for your survivors that will make their journey less difficult.

As always, if you have questions or comments, please email me or leave them in the space below on the web version.

Life Insurance and Beneficiaries

Where has Naomi been?  On an around the world adventure?  No, it’s summer, family obligations, vacation, and a bit more laid back life than fall and winter.  September is here and I’m trying to get back on a schedule.  So here goes…

Several months ago I saw a "60 Minute" rebroadcast of a story about the responsibility of life insurance companies when it comes to paying out death benefits.  There is no legal responsibility on their part if they learn about the death of a policy holder to payout the benefit to the beneficiary unless the beneficiary contacts the company.  So even if the next door neighbor of the insurance agent dies and the agent knows this, the agent must wait until the beneficiary or a designated person contacts the company. 

I tried to find the episode; it seems to have been taken down- www.cbsnews.com/.../60-minutes-viewers-call-foul-on-insurance-companies/.  The gist was that companies earn interest on monies that are not paid out because no one has come forth with a claim.  SO IT IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT FOR US, AS RESPONSIBLE ADULTS, TO TELL AT LEAST ONE PERSON WHERE OUR IMPORTANT PAPERS ARE KEPT.   I called my insurance company and I was told that beneficiaries or their designee have to contact the company to file a claim before the due date of the next premium payment.  For example, if I pay my annual premium in January and I die in February, my beneficiaries have until December to file a claim.  Why?  Because if I do not pay my next premium- and I can’t because I'm dead- the policy will lapse and the beneficiaries will get nothing if they have not filed a claim before the coverage lapses.  That’s important. Especially if I pay in January and I die in December, the timing is critical- the heirs have to act quickly.

My take away from this is I am going to write a note and put it with my papers telling my heirs to call the insurance company ASAP and get the ball rolling. 

This is not a discussion of the moral obligation of insurance companies, it is one more reason to get your act organized.  You don’t want your family missing out on all those premium payments you made with the intent to help them pay off your final expenses because no one knew you had a life insurance policy.

Comments?  Questions?  If you have life insurance, call you agent and get clarification.  Policies and companies vary.  

Goals

I’m about a quarter of the way through Angela Duckworth’s GRIT in which she discusses goal setting as it relates to passion and perseverance.   Yes, I’ve read about goal setting before; this time something struck a chord.  She talks about selecting an overarching goal and then creating the behaviors to help you get to where you want to be.  In looking at my life, I see that my goal is to make my life as simple as I can so that my family will not have to deal with many complications as I age.  Granted, some things are out of my hands- Mother Nature, accidents, genetics, and environment.  Duckworth helped me to crystalize my life's mission and I am                                 looking forward to learning more from her book.

And while this involves getting my papers in order and taking care of the legal and end of life issues, it also means keeping myself healthy by eating and exercising as best as I can.  I have wondered what motivates me to get to a class at the gym, to read about nutrition, to try new recipes, to cook instead of making reservations, to read books, to start a blog.  All of these interests and actions will lead me to my primary goal…dying from old age rather than from disease.  And at the same time, living the best life I can.

For the past 9 years I have been a dragon boater in the spring and summer.  And in the winter, I continue to exercise so that I will not be a basket case when I get in the boat in the spring.  Being a dragon boater allowed me to use the adjective, "athlete", to describe myself.   Even in high school, gym was my least favorite subject.  I was never on a team.   Growing up, my favorite activity was lying on the floor watching a small black and white TV.  “Naomi” and “athletic” were never used in the same sentence.  Fast forward 60 years and I became an athlete.   Entering my 70s, it became even more important to be as healthy as possible.  As I learn more about what is in our food and as I listen to my body about what foods and exercises make me feel strong and healthy, I am hopeful I can continue to make good decisions. 

In other words, I want to reach my goal of dying of old age while not being a burden to my family.  And my smaller goals of eating right, exercising, socializing, and learning will help me achieve this.

What are your goals?  Are career and personal goals in line?  Send me an email or comment below in the web version of this entry.

Natural Burials

One of my daughters sent me a story entitled, “A Different Way to Die: the Story of a Natural Burial.”  It was originally published on Grist.  Though I had heard of this, I did not know much about it.

The story was about a man in Washington State who decided he wanted to have a natural burial.  He loved nature and lived on 6 acres of mostly wild land.  Traditional burial involves embalming – the use of chemicals- and a wooden or metal casket which is then placed into a plastic lined concrete vault and then buried in the ground.  Jewish burials do not use embalming methods.  Another option is cremation.  Although steps are taken to reduce air pollution, soot, carbon monoxide and trace minerals are released into the air.

He and his family chose a natural burial:  one in which he would be wrapped in a shroud (fabric) and placed in the ground.  While this seems simple enough, the process can be complicated.  The family had to find a cemetery that specializes in green/natural burials.  The cemetery director told the family that since the gentleman wanted to die at home, the family would have to contact a doctor to sign a death certificate and then take it to the medical examiner.  They would also have to get dry ice to keep the body cool until such time as they could take the body to the cemetery. 

If this interests you, look up GreenBurialCouncil.org for a list of cemeteries that can accommodate green burials.  In many states it is illegal to bury a body anywhere except in a cemetery.  In some states it is required that a funeral director must be hired to facilitate the paperwork and burial.

Bottom line—talk with your family about what you want; preplan; prepay; do whatever is necessary to insure that your wishes will be carried out. 

What thoughts do my readers have about this post?  Please share…..

SELF CPR

You are home alone after a long day’s work.

If you suddenly start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to drag out into your arm and up in to your jaw, you may be having a heart attack.   You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home but you don’t know if you’ll be able to make it that far.  First, CALL 911 and unlock                             the front door.

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE?

     Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. 

    However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. 

    A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

    Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughingmovements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. 

This information was sent to me by a friend two days after several other friends were talking about Self CPR.  And with several people in my world bringing attention to this, I  thought it necessary to share the info with my blog followers.

The symptoms mentioned appear to be for men since women can have other symptoms.  Nonetheless, coughing may save your life. 

Note:  I have also heard that people should chew an aspirin if they feel a heart attack coming on.  Unfortunately, sometimes the medicine is not readily accessible.  

Has anyone had any real life experience with Self CPR?  Please comment in the space below on the web version of The Mindful Files.

Flossing

I hate to floss. I have always hated to floss.  BUT, last year I decided that if I were going to save money, I needed to develop the habit of flossing.  After talking with the dental hygienist, I decided that my way of flossing, while not the best, was the one I could follow.  The 2015-2016 year was going to be an experiment.    The first checkup was good but the dentist told me I needed to floss every day;  I was only doing it a few times a week.  So, with new resolve, I started flossing every morning after brushing my teeth.  Again, not the optimal plan but better than nothing.  I am pleased to say that my next 6 month checkup was much better...keep doing what you are doing the dentist told me.

The point of this rant is the importance of prevention.  Since I no longer had dental insurance, keeping my teeth and gums in good health was necessary to keep costs down.  Yes, I have to pay for my dental checkups and for one cleaning per year and if I keep my teeth and gums healthy, I can save money in the long run by not having the expense of cavities, root canals, etc. 

While I can’t say, statistically speaking, that because I am flossing daily that my dental bills will be smaller over the long run, I can say that I feel virtuous because I am being proactive.  I am doing what I can to have healthy teeth and gums and perhaps to help ward off  heart disease.  The science is not making a correlation between healthy teeth and a healthy heart; however, there seems to be a link.  Could the link be habit related?  People who floss and have twice a year dental checkups may also exercise and eat better, thus reducing their chance for heart disease. So I start off my day with a healthy habit and plan to implement other healthy habits throughout the day.  Yes, plans can go awry.  I have noticed that since my new habit of flossing daily has become second nature, I am thinking more about other healthy habits.  Still working on moving from the thinking stage to the action stage – at least I’m thinking. 

What healthy habits do you have?  Have you tried overnight oats?  This is one of the easiest and most nutritious breakfasts I have ever made.  Google it and create your own variations.  Respond in the comment section on the web version….

I Don't Know Where to Start

The subject was “death”.  The panel was made up of a clergy member, a representative of a funeral home, and a nurse who prepares bodies for burial.  The attendees, about 12 of us, ranged in age from 40s to 80s.  We learned the ins and outs of what happens when someone dies in our community.  Most of the information I knew as I have already preplanned my funeral.  But there is always something to learn or relearn.  There were lots of personal stories shared and I mentioned my blog and passed out cards with the blog address.  As I was leaving, one of the participants came up to me and said she had always wanted to write about her history, her thoughts, etc. and she didn’t know where to start.

Those of us who want to do all things perfectly get stuck in the “never starting” because we may be afraid to fail.  Many people over 50 have boxes of photos in a corner.  Our intention is to label those pictures, and perhaps categorize them so that our family will know who’s who.  And how many of us really get that task started, let alone completed?  And again addressing my initial reason for starting this blog- getting important papers in order and putting them in one place- is another area where people are bogged down.  Many of us think about the problem and we never start addressing it.

My advice to this individual was to start now; don’t wait.  I suggested she go home and begin writing- writing about the meeting and the discussion- what her feelings were about the topic and what her  thoughts are about her spiritual, moral and ethical values.  Just start.  Computer keyboard or pen and paper. Either is fine.  Whatever is more comfortable and whatever makes sense to you is the right way of dealing with the situation.  Just Start.

I wrote down a quote from one of Ellen Goodman’s The Conversation Project newsletters:  “it’s always too soon to have these conversations before it’s too late.”  

Have you started a project that has been sitting for a long time?  What made you take the first step?  Did you complete it in bits and pieces or did you tackle it until it was resolved?  Let me know in the comments on the web version of this blog.

Procrastination

My friend Alice was a vivacious woman.  She always had a smile for me and was delighted by my stories of my grandkids.  Unexpectedly, she died last month.  Alice was a woman who always took care of others- her husband, her kids, her grandkids.  She thought she was invincible.  Not feeling well for a few days, she went to the doctor and was told she had a virus.  Plans to go to a cousin’s wedding were looming; plane tickets and hotel reservations had been made weeks before.  Alice thought like most of us- nothing bad will happen.  Unfortunately, she became very ill on the plane.  Although an ambulance was waiting for her when the plane landed, she died several hours later. 

Her story reaches deeply to my sole.  The lesson:  we don’t know what will happen tomorrow.  And if we want to make things a bit easier for our loved ones- again another caretaking role- we have to allocate time and energy now- not tomorrow. 

Taking time and energy now can also contribute to our own well-being.  Prepping meals for the week, shopping lists, to do lists and reading lists are several helpful ways to help us with the habit of “doing” and not just “thinking”.  I haven’t figured out the entire answer myself.  Yet the divide between thinking and doing can be massive.  Accountability comes into play here.  If I tell someone about my thoughts and commit to a timetable, will I be more inclined to actually take the steps to action?  I guess it depends on the situation.  How do you get yourself to do things that are not urgent?  How do you change the mindset from “I can do it tomorrow” to “I need to do it today”.  Please comment in the web version of this blog.

I have been thinking about labeling my photos and  artwork.  Just a sticky note on the back to tell my kids where it came from or why I bought it could be of interest to them.  And I need to do this now in the event my memory fails later. 

Perhaps enough talking and thinking…action is required now.

For Mothers with Daughters, and Daughters with Daughters

One of my younger friends asked me about my experience with menopause.  To be honest, I don’t remember all the details however, the reason for her question prompted me to contact my doctor and ask for a copy of my medical records.  My friend’s mother passed away many years ago. She has no aunts so she is asking friends.  Her gynecologist told her that women focus on “first periods” and not on “last periods” with their own offspring.    How true.  We may want to forget the experience but for those of us who have daughters, it is important to write down our experience with it.

I don’t even remember my first.  What I do recall is having to write down a date on many, many forms over the years.  What I think happened is that I arbitrarily came up with the year.  Was I really 12 or could I have been 13?   Could I have been 11? There is no one to ask now and I wish I would have kept notes and I certainly wish my mother would have kept notes on me as well as on her own medical issues.  Alas, as with most of the population, there is no one to ask.

In requesting a copy of my records I learned that medical practices may send a summary at no cost to a new practitioner if the patient is changing doctors.  It would cost me well over a dollar a page for my former gynecologist to send me the records and having been with the practice for over 20 years, that would be a lot of money.  Since I changed practices, my former doctor will send the records as a “courtesy.”  And when I have my next appointment I will discuss what information I need to share with my daughters and encourage them to write it down because all my daughters have daughters.

To moms who are reading this and to adult daughters who have daughters:  write it down; don’t leave it to memory.  I remember being told I was “becoming a woman” when I got my period.  Does that mean I stopped being a woman when it ended?  Nonsense.  Many of my friends referred to menopause as “freedom”.  But was having a period, bondage? 

I think each day just “is”.  No adjectives.  I find it interesting that I never considered menopause to be part of my medical history.  Now I do.  

Ethical Will #2

An Ethical Will can provide many answers to questions the family doesn’t know to ask.  Some of these questions can be found in Ethical Wills, A Modern Treasury, by Jack Riemer and Nathaniel Stempfer.   For example: 

            “Who were/are the important people in my life?”

            ”What did I learn from them?”

            “Which events stand out in my memory?”

            “What do I value?”

           “What matters most in my life?”

           “What am I proud of?” 

           “What advice can I give to future generations?”

There are also stories related to objects that will enhance their intrinsic value.  I am looking at a latch hook wall hanging that my niece brought back from Venezuela about 35 years ago.  She spent part of a high school year there.  My kids will not remember her giving it to me but I have enjoyed looking at it these many years and they need to know why it is on the wall.  On my “to do” list is to take sticky notes and write an explanation about some of the objects that are important to me.  While I will do this for the wall hanging as soon as I complete this post, I still need to schedule time to make notes about the other items in my world. 

And we come to the crux of the problem:  how to get over the resistance to doing a behavior.  Making the effort acknowledges the truth- that I will die some day and my things will be passed on or thrown away.  Acknowledging reality and the changes that could make life better- cleaning out a closet, losing weight, spending money or not spending money, etc.  can be scary.  There is an old story that if you ask people to pack up their troubles and go around to others to see which pack they would rather have, they will go back to their own- because it is familiar, regardless of how sad and difficult their lot may be. 

I challenge my readers to make an effort to make one tiny change and when you are successful with that change, make another.  Perhaps sooner, rather than later, you will be able to start on your own version of an ethical will.

Have you started a memoir?  Have you written “wish lists” for your family?  Share your thoughts.

Ethical Will -- Part 1

The first time I heard the term, Ethical Will, I was intrigued.  Was it a legal document?  Would I have to pay an attorney another fee?  Nope!  An Ethical Will can be a story of your life, a wish list of hopes and dreams you have for your loved ones, an explanation of items that will be passed down or any and all of these things.  It makes sense.  How many of us are intrigued by biographies of famous people.  Many people had to write down information about the individual or families had to save letters and documents related to that person for a biographer to come along years later and write the person’s story.

In our current tech world, few of us actually write letters with pen and paper.  Our lives are on our computer.  So it stands to reason that we can use the computer to create an Ethical Will.  A young friend started email accounts for her kids when they were born and she emails them when significant things happen in their lives.   She tells them what it was like when each of her kids  learned to walk, what their first words were, and what holidays were like in their home.  She also talks to them about her dreams for them.  The short emails are about their lives and about their parents’ lives and they will have the stories when they are older.

Another friend writes letters- on paper- to her kids on their birthdays telling them about their successes and challenges of the year and what her hopes and dreams are for the coming year.  She keeps the letters in her fireproof safe. 

The best definition I have read for an Ethical Will is that it is a document that stresses Values over Valuables.  It can be a personal mission statement.  It can also include family history including stories that were passed down to you but were never written down.  Yes, it takes time…a lot of time.  But it is an incredible legacy to pass down to future generations. 

To be continued…..

Home Owner's Insurance

Judi’s aunt died several months ago and the family has been in the process of settling the estate.  The aunt owned her own home and many of the nieces and nephews have taken various pieces of furniture out of the house.  Interestingly, the home owner’s insurance company has been on Judi’s back to put the home up for sale sooner rather than later.  Since spring is a better time to show a home, she thought she could wait.  The company has other ideas.  I checked with my own insurance company and here’s what I learned.

If a home is vacant- no furniture- then the company will not insure the structure for vandalism after 30 days.  If someone other than the owner or spouse lives in the house, the house becomes a rental property and the appropriate insurance needs to be purchased.  This is so far afield from what I assumed- that as long as the premium was paid, the structure was totally insured.  Three things I learned today:  1) read the home owner’s insurance policy to learn about coverage when the owner dies,  2) prepare to sell the home as quickly as possible and 3) make sure the insurance is up to date. 

Insurance policies differ from company to company/state to state and it is a good idea to check out the insurance of any property for which you become responsible.

While I was on the phone with my insurance company, I asked what happens to auto insurance when the driver dies.  I was told that “someone” should call the company to let them know of the death and to let them know who will be driving the car- even if it is only for a few months until both the car is sold and the title transferred or the title is transferred to someone per the will.

This is one more reason to be sure that loved ones know the name and phone number of the insurance companies. 

THE Conversation with my Kids

Through several time zones and plans to occupy the grandchildren, my kids, my husband and I had The Conversation.  Since I had updated my will, I wanted my kids to be aware of the changes and to hear my wishes for my advanced directives.  I have had snippets of conversation with them individually, I thought it was time to get them all together. Yay, Skype!!  With 4 daughters it is hard for me to remember what I told to whom and when.  I was proud of myself for initiating the conversation and for figuring out the technology so we could talk.

Talking about my death is not a new subject to them.  I don’t have any superstitions related to death and dying and I have always been pretty open with them about my thoughts and feelings in general.  What was new was the fact that they were all listening to the same information at the same time.  I knew this had to be a group conversation and not a group email.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I sent out an email.  Maybe if group messaging was available then, I would have selected it as the mode of communication though getting my 4 daughters and 3 step daughters together on a call would have been a feat because of their own commitments. 

What is most important it that my kids heard the information, were reassured that I am planning to live at least another 20 years, and they now have a topic of conversation to have between themselves:  “What is mom doing?  How will we know what is best?”  If they really listened, they know that I have taken the decision out of their hands and that I do know what I am doing- I am in control.” 

Have you had similar conversations?  What is holding you back?  Please share your thoughts…we learn from each other.

Image:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/larrison

LifeLong Learning

Want to talk to a lawyer about a will, advanced directives, power of attorney, etc.? Check out the Osher LifeLong Learning Institute classes on Elder Law. I attended a series several years ago and it fueled my desire to start this blog.  Carol Sikov Gross, Esquire (http://www.sikovandlove.com/) led the class and her handouts were most informative.  The discussion and the individual situations of the students- there were 10 of us- were eye opening.  If you have the opportunity to attend an informational class, seriously think about it.  Well worth the time. 

I remember a woman who was interested in donating her body to science after her death.  It was obvious from the difficulty she had walking that she was experiencing significant medical problems.  She worked all of her life in executive positions and she knew how to take charge of things.  I guess she was in the “information gathering” stage.  And I frequently think of her and wonder what happened to her.  I’ll bet she had all her papers organized, her will and advanced directives completed.  She impressed me as a “doer” not just a talker and thinker. 

I’m still working on my “to do” list.  This isn’t for the faint of heart.  Gathering information, thinking about the future can be overwhelming.  Breaking tasks down into small manageable bites is the best way to motivate myself.  For example, I could have said to myself:  “Self- you need to clean up the office.”  Instead, I said, “Self- you need to clean off your desk.”  Yes, it took me 2 days because of interruptions but the job was accomplished and now I can find things more easily. 

Tell me stories about your family and end of life situations.  Let’s share and learn from each other.

Let them eat CAKE

A few months ago I was surfing the web and came across CAKE, an end of life planning app.  The unusual name caught my interest and here’s what I found. Suelin Chen and Mark Zhang teamed up and created this app which is a MassChallenge finalist in 2015.  I don’t think it's available to the public yet; however, when it becomes available, it will be a great way to start the conversation for young people. 

While I may be showing my age, having an app to make you think about what you want at the end of life is definitely a younger generation trend.   The article I read mentioned that after you sign up, the app asks a series of 35 yes/no questions.  Some relate to basic information like funeral home choice and some require serious thinking.  One that was mentioned was “yes or no, I want people to have a stiff drink on the anniversary of my death”.  I’m sure there are more serious questions but this is a good one.  Would we want our friends to celebrate our lives each year?  Would we be too embarrased to ask them?  Is drinking the best way to memoralize a friend?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  Would a more appropriate statement be " Yes/no, I want my friends to make a donation to a charitable cause on the anniversary of my death."  Cultural influences certainly apply to what is seemingly a simple question.

You can find the article by Dylan Martin at: bostinno.streetwise.co (http://bostinno.streetwise.co/2015/10/09/end-of-life-planning-app-cake-helps-make-final-wishes-known/) .

I wish this company well.  The more we talk about it, the easier end of life issues are dealt with.  And kudos to these young people who are using their ingenuity to open doors for those of us who are hesitant to talk about uncomfortable yet inevitable subjects.

Image: Carlos ZGZ

ICE Reinvented

The younger generation is so much more in tuned with technology.  I love being corrected by my grandkids.  And I am sharing this bit of information with you.

Several weeks ago, I talked about ICE – In Case of Emergency.  With a locked phone, the ICE listings are not available to first responders—or so I thought. On most cell phones there is a place to push for emergencies.  This will get you to a screen to make a call or to go to the Medical ID app.  Silly me thought the “emergency” would automatically call 911.  My granddaughter informed me that it wouldn’t and that I should complete the Medical ID app which would contain Emergency Contacts, prescriptions I take and any pertinent medical information I want to include on the app.  The app also asks if I am an organ donor.  How cool is that?  And how many people who have a cell phone never read the instruction manual to learn about all the neat things the phone can do.  Yes, I am one of those people.  Check out the Health App on the iPhone and look for the Medical ID tab.

If you learned something new, please let me know.  My goal is to educate the important people in my life and that’s YOU.  And please share this information.  

Face to Face or via the Internet

Leslie is a hard working psychologist, wife and mother.  She also has a rare autoimmune disease that currently requires a monthly infusion which is done in a hospital.  She actually carries her living will in her purse at all times.  Why?  Because she has educated herself about the progression of her disease and she wants to be in control of her situation.

Leslie told me about a program she has been using for over 20 years-- “Legal Shield”.  I’m not recommending this or any products or services; however since someone I respect uses the company, I thought I would pass on the info.  If you have read my past posts, you know I use a local lawyer.  Leslie, however, uses this company for her will, advanced directives, financial power of attorney, etc.  Check it out at www.legalshield.com.

Getting back to the advanced directives…I recently scheduled shoulder surgery and was asked to bring in my advanced directives.  The intake clerk scanned my document into my medical record.  Take note—even though it is now part of my record at a large medical center, I have been told that I need to bring my advanced directives in each time I have a procedure or surgery because- get this- frequently, the staff cannot locate the document on the computer!  We, as consumers, have to be on top of things.

So keeping a copy of advanced directives in your purse may not be a bad idea.  Not sure where a man would keep his; perhaps on a flash drive on his key ring.

Have you written a will?  What made you do it or what is stopping you from doing it?  Share your thoughts.  If you are reading this on your phone, click to read the post on the web and then you will have space to respond.

Thoughts about Advanced Directives

I just finished reading Atul Gawande’s book, Being Mortal.  It’s about end of life issues from a physician’s point of view.  Though Dr. Gawande is not an internist, gerontologist or palliative care specialist, he is a thoughtful surgeon who needed to deal with difficult decisions for his patients and his own family.  He discusses a situation wherein the patient, a highly educated academic, who has made his daughter his healthcare power of attorney, becomes ill.  The daughter and father talk about the prognosis and she realizes that she doesn’t know what her dad really wants.  So she asks and is surprised to hear that he wants treatment if he can engage in the pleasure of two situations (chocolate ice cream and football) neither of which he had ever indicated an interest.  This out- of- the- blue declaration became her measure for agreeing to surgical procedures for her dad.  He lived an additional two years.   Had she not specifically asked the question about what was important to him, she would have let him go earlier. 

I found this description in the book to be particularly poignant.  We don’t know what another person is thinking unless we ask.  And more importantly, we must listen.  And when we listen, really listen, we open up new avenues of knowledge. 

Most hospitals have some type of form for advanced directives.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to be faced with completing the form when I am in a state of crisis.  Would I check all the boxes that would keep me pain free or would I want any and all forces to be used to keep me alive?    Having already had this conversation with myself and my loved ones I am comfortable with my own decisions.  These are tough questions to answer.  Sort of like creating a fantasy of what could take place and wishing it never would. 

For people on Medicare, a change in the benefits may help individuals address the difficult subject of “what happens if…”.  Beginning January 1, 2016, Medicare will pay for voluntary discussions of end-of-life issues between the patient and the physician.  According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette of November 28, 2015, Medicare will reimburse physicians up to $86 for a 30 minute discussion about the choices for a terminally ill patient.  As more and more medical schools prepare doctors to get comfortable with this topic, the culture will change.  Let’s not wait.  If you have not thought about this, the time is now.  Educate yourself, talk with your physician, and then talk with your family.  This is one topic that does not lend itself to delegation.  You must take the initiative.

Image: James Daisa

Vital Information Form

It occurred to me that some of my subscribers did not download the Vital Information Form so I decided to devote a post to it.

The form is to help you get your information in one location.  Some people have a box, a notebook, a safe.  Whatever you have for your family, congratulations.  This form may spark new ideas for your own personal situation.

A few new subject lines are in this version.  

Vital Information for:                                                              Date:

(To be kept with important documents in a safe place, the location of which should be shared with a trusted person)

Copy and paste this into aWord Document so it can be customized to meet your needs which may change over time.  This form can be as long or as short as you prefer. Remember, however, this document can provide critical information to your family in order to relieve them of searching for important documents and phone numbers during a stressful time.  Think of this as a map- it doesn’t provide the nitty gritty information- only directions to the location. Topics should not be deleted; skip over them if they are not pertinent at this moment in time. This is a fluid document that should be updated annually- maybe on your birthday, anniversary or tax day.

Social Security #: 

Attorney: 

Financial Planner: 

Accountant:

Insurance agent(s), policy numbers (including health insurance):

Investments: names and account numbers: 

Bank accounts:  How titled?  Account numbers for checking, savings, credit union, MAC card      (include phone number if known)

Credit/ Debit card names, numbers and Customer Service phone number: 

Burial Information:  plot location, clergy, obituary information, charity requests, funeral home, other thoughts, e.g. clothing, prayers, etc.: 

Name and phone number of church/synagogue:

Information I want on my tombstone: 

Are you a member of a burial or memorial society that may make special arrangements for funeral/burial ceremony- e.g., military honor guard?  Which one(s):

Combinations and location of safes: 

Name of financial institution of a safety deposit box and location of key:

Names, addresses, emails of people to be notified: 

Location of warranties, instruction booklets: 

Location of tax records:

Location of deeds, vehicle titles:

Location of installment books or contracts and payment dates and company phone number:

Location of honorable discharge papers and VA claim number: 

Name and phone number of newspaper delivery person:

Location of Will, Power of Attorney:

Recurrent household costs, eg, landscaper, snow removal, etc. (names and phone numbers):

Utilities (company name, phone number, account number):

Garage code:

Location of the mail box key:

Answering Machine number:

Digital

Password to get onto the computer:

Passwords for email accounts: 

Passwords for social media accounts: 

Facebook has a legacy feature:  Go to More, Privacy Shortcuts, More Settings, Security,    Legacy Contact

Passwords for all sites or the password manager user name and password:

Automatic bill paying--names and account numbers and dates when bill will appear in email or be directly paid by the bank: 

Pets

Pets name(s):

Food Preferences: 

Veterinarian and phone number: 

Medical issues/ Medications (location of medications and food):

Name of person(s)/ organization who will care for pets:

Medical History

Write down your medical history and that of your parents, siblings and first degree relatives (uncles, aunts, first cousins) if you want your children to have access to this information.

Plants/ Gardening/ automatic sprinkling system

Write down unique instructions about your plants and the schedule for your sprinkler (if applicable)

History/stories about family, art, jewelry, household items.

Fido and Fefe

Fido and Fefe want/need a say in life conversations.  I have included a section in the Vital Information Form about pets.  And I am thinking about including plants/ gardening in the form as well.  Thoughts? 

But let’s focus on pets for now as the plant idea percolates in my brain.  Kids or friends may not want a pet and if there is no mention of care for the animal(s) in the will, what is a family to do?  The Pennsylvania SPCA has a solution.  Anyone who sets up a planned gift that benefits the PSPCA will be assured that their animal (limit of 2 dogs or cats) will be taken care of until an appropriate home is found.  And this information must be known to family members so that when the time comes, the surviving member knows who to call to care for the animal.  We can plan meticulously but if no one knows what we are thinking, our plans may go out the window.  

The website for the Guardian Surrender program is:  http://www.pspca.org/support-us/planned-giving/gifts-of-bequest/.  Other avenues for pet protection are trusts, “pet protection agreements”, or a written bequest to a specific person.  The latter may have a specific amount of money for the care of the animal attached to it.

Even if one does not have significant funds to leave to a beneficiary, an individual should write down what he/she wants for the pets.  If an individual has to go into a nursing home, the pet may go to the nearest shelter or may be left alone to manage for itself.  Either way, if we took on the responsibility of housing an animal, we need to take on the responsibility of giving direction to others to care for our pet when we are no longer able to do it ourselves.

Image: Margaret McMullen

Being Superstitious

Superstitions can be funny- bringing salt and bread to a new home for good luck – or terrifying- a black cat walking across your path.  The Stevens kids have been trying to talk to their parents about a will, a living will and a durable power of attorney.  But the parents will have none of it.  Mom even lied when she was admitted to the hospital for back surgery that she had a living will.  She can’t talk about it much less think about it.  Why?  Because when she was a teen, she overheard her parents talking about writing a will and purchasing a burial plot.  The next day, they were killed in a car accident. In Mom’s mind, the mere discussion of death issues irrationally became associated with death .  And now that mom and dad are in their 80’s, mom still refuses to talk about anything related to death.

Her kids are in a bind.  Though they all live in the same city, each of the three belong to a different church.  They know their parents do not share the same level of spirituality.  Mom is a church goer, dad is not.  So what are they to do when their parents die?  They want to honor them but their parents are keeping them in the dark.

Finding an intermediary to help start the discussion can be helpful.  Calling a family meeting at a time when there are no other social or family obligations is one opportunity.  Using the death of another family member or friend is often the catalyst that will jump start the conversation.  Adult children should acknowledge fears and superstitions while at the same time, help parents to look more rationally at the situation.  This is hard, no doubt about it.  But the conversation must begin. 

Share your thoughts and experiences about how you encouraged your parents to write a will and living will.

Image: Pixabay.com

ICE - Not the Frozen Kind

ICE = In Case of Emergency. 

Several years ago I heard a news story about adding an ICE listing to the contact list in my cell phone.  This simple addition can designate a contact to be called- in case of emergency, that is, in the event I am unable to communicate to first responders.  Thanks to Bob Brotchie, a British paramedic, this opportunity to locate a family member or friend for an unresponsive individual is made easier because first responders are supposed to look for the ICE contact.  That is, if your phone does not have a passcode!!

I did not have a passcode for my old phone.  Since I now have grandkids who love playing with phones, I have installed a passcode.  However, I am recommending the use of ICE listings for those who do not have a passcode for their cell phone.  Just another way to be a responsible adult.

You can read about ICE in Wikipedia….en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_case_of_emergency.

Have you ever needed the ICE contact?  Share your experience below.

Photo: Jonas Tana

To Shred or Not to Shred

Consumer Reports published a handy list of documents to shred and to keep.  Much of the information came from the Federal Trade Commission.  I looked for a link but no luck. However, here’s a link to a Consumer Reports article from 2010 that discusses the avalanche of paper we all have: http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/2010/03/conquer-the-paper-piles/index.htm.  The FTC recommends we keep our tax returns forever.  News to me!!  So I have shredded the tax documentation from more than 7 years ago but kept the copy of the return. 

I know from personal experience how overwhelmed I can feel when I see piles of receipts, bills, paid invoices, letters, and the paper stuff we accumulate.  Sometimes local government officials will sponsor a shredding day so their constituents can bring a certain number of boxes to a central location for shredding.  A small shredder works for me, however, and I can immediately shred old credit cards, and papers that contain my social security number or credit card number. 

And while we can get lost in a sea of paper, we can send ourselves a life preserver by completing the Vital Information Form.  Once the PDF is downloaded, it is easy to copy and paste it into a Word document that will be user friendly.  The VIF can be located in the blog when viewed in your web browser. 

As winter descends, think “great time to get organized”.  Schedule a date with yourself to clean out drawers and files.  Make room for the new.

Image:  Liz West