Family Medical History

“You have cancer.”  Scary words.  That was 9 years ago and all is well.  However, those words have heightened my interest in family medical history.  I was intrigued to learn about a government website: https://familyhistory.hhs.gov.  What I was surprised to learn, after in putting information, was that there was no way to save it or to print it.  While it is useful to see trends, I would have to input all the information again if anything should change (new diagnoses in my living relatives).

I do however, see the value of having a medical history family tree.  Many years ago, as I was updating addresses for my extended family, I asked about medical information.  And as I suspected, very few cousins responded to my inquiry.  Why?  The information is personal and many people don’t want to know if their genes carry a time bomb. I have mixed feelings on this- one the one hand, I would want to know if my kids had a predisposition to any disease because of my family history.  On the other hand, if I could not do anything about the situation, then what good would it do me to know? 

There are also several companies that specialize in online genetic testing.  As I see it, the question is: is the company truly legit and will I get scientific information or is this just another scheme to get me to part with my money. 

Do you have stories to share?  Be a contributor.  We can learn from one another.

 Image: TerraVox

Reviewing my own will

After 8 years it was time to review my own will, financial and health care power of attorney.  So off to the lawyer, Dale Frayer (http://www.frayerlaw.com), I went.  A quick review, a few changes, getting some questions answered, and I am feeling so much better about my future.  The next task is to talk with my family and as they are all over the country, we will do it via a computer video chat.

The most important takeaway from this experience is the Conversation with a capital “C”.  I talked with my husband and my lawyer and soon with my kids about how I want the future to look.  There are no guarantees in life; however, I am trying to cover as many of the bases as I can think of.  And I invite you to share your experiences; we can only benefit from others’ stories.

I also made a decision to review my will, etc. in five years unless a life changing situation occurs earlier.

All the paperwork is not only for taking care of my family after my death, it is also for taking care of them if I become incapacitated.   Too often, people forget about the latter situation.  So if you don’t have a will, financial and health care power of attorney, look into getting them.  There are plenty of online templates- just be sure you select one that will work in the state in which you live.  Or, better yet, find an attorney who specializes in estate planning.

Image: Ken_Mayer

What a Mess!

“What a mess” Susie kept saying when we were talking about the chaos she found after her sister’s death.  Important papers all over the house, unpaid bills, unopened mail stacked in piles on the dining room table.  Kathleen, single, aged 60 and living with mom, had been ill for many years but she seemed to be managing.  Then one day she died in her sleep.  Kathleen was divorced with one grown son.  She was also a loaner and even though she was living with mom, Kathleen kept to herself. 

Mom, 90, struggles to get through the day- physically and emotionally. 

So Susie is left with the responsibility of cleaning up the mess.  She knew there had been a will but had no idea where it was or who the lawyer was.  She called the ex-husband and fortunately, he had a copy.  The funeral home needed the social security number; Susie couldn’t find it.  Mom thought she knew it however she provided an incorrect number which was not discovered until 2 months later when social security denied the burial benefit. 

Though there were no assets to speak of, the hassle of going through bags and bags of mail, contacting people who were owed money and shutting down bank accounts was very stressful.   The aggravation would have been mitigated if Kathleen had taken the responsibility of putting all her important papers in one spot and letting her sister know which box contained crucial information.

It’s been almost a year since Kathleen died and finally all the paperwork has been completed.  A harsh lesson for Susie who is now in the process of getting her own information together so that her husband and children will not have to deal with “a mess”.

If you have not completed the Vital Information Form because you do not have a will, financial power of attorney or health care power of attorney, start today.  Talk to your friends about an attorney or go on line to find forms for these documents.  Make an appointment with yourself to do this.

Image:  flicker.com/photos/readingmytealeaves/

Passbooks

After his grandmother’s death, Shawn’s task was to go through the bedrooms and separate things: save for the family, donate, and toss.  In the top shelf of Sadie’s closet were several shoe boxes. And in those boxes were bank passbooks.  What an ordeal. Some of the banks were no longer in existence, some of the passbooks had been closed, and some could possibly be viable.  After hours of phone calls, Shawn and his brothers finally got things straight.  The total amount of money was not large though it was significant enough to warrant the time and effort needed to identify where the money was and to work with the lawyer to unravel the mystery.  With the help of Sadie’s attorney, the money was distributed to the rightful heirs.  What a hassle for a few hundred dollars! 

And how does this relate to my mission?  Sadie lived through the depression.  She probably was fearful of putting her money in one bank in case the bank failed as it did then.  Life events happened: babies are born, kids go to school, marriages and grandchildren.  Being the full time homemaker and eventual caretaker for her husband, Sadie forgot about all those Passbooks hiding out in the closet.  Don’t let this happen to your family.  They don’t need the aggravation.  Keep all of your important papers in one place- preferably in a fireproof box.  Review the box annually.  Use the Vital Information Form to remind you of your assets.

Image:  Tom Tolkein

Organ Donation- Part 2

Organ Donation congures up lots of emotion in all of us.  If you have been following the story of litttle Lucas Goeller, the 2 year old who needed a liver, you have seen true compassion and concern. And many of you have gained a partial understanding of the rules and regulations surrounding organ donation.   The Swedberg family of Nebraska made the decision to directly donate their daughter Olivia's liver to Lucas.  Olivia was dying of brain cancer.  And even though the blood type was not the same, the doctors felt that they could overcome that obstacle...and Lucas was given a chance to live.

All of the major religions support organ transplant.  And once you talk about it, you can decide if you want to donate all your organs, only some of them, your bone and tissue, your eyes...the decision is in your hands.

And just because you sign up to be a donor doesn't mean you will be able to actually donate.  So much depends on where you die and the cause of death.  If you die at home, it is unlikely you will be able to donate because of the lapse in time from death to harvesting the organs.

The most important thing you can do is to talk about your family about your thoughts.  Unfortunately, adult children sometimes have different opinions about organ donations and the stress of the death of a parent can conflict with the parent's wishes, especially if these wishes have not been discussed.

The main theme of this blog is "discussion".  No one knows what you are thinking unless you state your opinions.  No one is a mind reader but we all can be mindful.

Being mindful is key to success.  Whether it is mindful eating, mindful meditation or mindful party planning, if we stop and think about our actions and the ways in which our actions affect ourselves and others, we will be more thoughtful in how we conduct ourselves.  There isn't necessarily a correlation between what we think or plan and the actual outcome.  What is important is that we have given thought to the subject and then discussed our personal thoughts with the important people in our lives.

Organ Donation- Part 1

“Between 10,000 and 12,000 people die annually who are considered medically suitable for organ, tissue and cornea donation, yet only a fraction of them are donors.”  This is according to CORE, the Center for Organ Recovery and Education.  Unless this touchy topic is discussed prior to a death, the lifesaving opportunity may be lost.  Why don’t people jump at the chance to save a life?  Fear, superstition and misinformation are three of the main reasons.

 All major religions support organ and tissue donation.  Medical personnel are bound by their oath to do everything in their power to save a person involved in an accident even though that individual is a donor.  Systems are in place to protect the integrity of the deceased.  Fear can be alleviated. Superstition can be explained. Misinformation can be corrected.  All it takes is a willingness to learn and then to discuss with family.

I signed up through the Department of Motor Vehicles about 15 years ago.  It just seemed like the right thing to do.  Since then, we have had personal experience with transplantation.  A cousin received a piece of cadaver bone during an orthopedic procedure.  And several friends received the gift of life with liver and kidney transplants.  It’s a beautiful thing when someone who is near death becomes the beneficiary of an organ and life begins again.

I would encourage everyone to talk with their spiritual leader about organ donation and then talk with a family member about their decision.   Families need to know what you want.  This can be part of the discussion about end of life issues or a separate discussion.  Kids or parents can bring it up.  The key word is “discussion.”  Talk about your thoughts so that those who have to make the decision will know what you want.

Resources:  www.core.org

                    www.organdonor.gov

                    www.donatelife.net

Dinner with Friends

Dinner with friends is an unusual place for a conversation about wills, etc. but that’s what happened when 2 couples with second marriages and his and hers kids got together.  And I was astonished to learn that her son did not have a will or a guardian for his kids.   I thought some of my kids were the only ones who have chosen to ignore the will and guardianship issue.  How can bright people ignore this?  Life can change in an instant and unless we, as responsible adults, take action to make our wishes known, situations can spiral out of control for survivors.  What happens if both parents die at the same time and little children become orphans?  Do the parents want grandparents to step in?  Do the parents agree that one of their siblings is in a better place to step in?  Or do the courts have to decide?   All of this can be avoided if parents of young children take the responsibility to select a guardian.  We are not invincible teenagers, we are mortal men and women.  Things happen.  Plans must be made; they can always be changed in the future.  My predicament is, can I change other people's behavior. 

Thoughts????

Photo: Romain Matte

My Father's Death

After my mother died in 1974, my father came to live with us.  His eye sight was poor and I was always on edge when he was walking around the house for fear he would fall over one of the kids- 4 and 2 years old- or their toys.  He realized that living in a two story house with little children was not the safest environment so he agreed to go to a senior living center.

Later, he went into a nursing home.  He actually thrived in those environments.  Though he had physical issues, his mind was clear and alert.  On Feb 18, 1988, I got a call at work from the Home. He  had awakened, sat up in bed and then laid down and died. 

My parents did not have much money and by the time my father died, all their savings had been used so there was nothing to inherit.  They had sold their house years before and most of their possessions were sold or given away after my mother’s death.  As an only child, I had no one with whom to discuss matters but I knew from our discussions and my experience with my mother what he wanted. 

For me, the “stuff” of their lives was easily managed.  But for friends and other family members, the death of parents or spouses became nightmares.  Dealing with the traumatic fact of the death of a loved one is difficult enough.  When you have to make decisions about funerals, burials, unpaid bills, and a cyber-presence, life becomes more difficult.

Share your stories of dealing with the paperwork after the death of a loved one.  What information were you missing that could have made the task easier?  What lessons did you learn from the process? The more we discuss these issues, the more information we can share and learn from each other.

Image credit:  Tammy Dial Gray

My Mother's Death

New Year’s Eve is supposed to be happy and fun.  But New Year’s Eve, 1973 wasn’t.  We returned from a party and as we were paying the babysitter, the phone rang.  Never a good sign.  It was my father.  My mother was having chest pains.  They, too, had just returned from dinner, a celebratory 34^thanniversary dinner.   We asked the babysitter to stay and we drove over to their apartment which was about 10 minutes away. Since she was able to walk and talk, we did not call an ambulance- first mistake. We hustled her into the car and raced to the Hospital. After getting her check-in, we waited- second mistake.   At some point I went up to the receptionist and said she was having chest pains again which finally prompted the staff to get her into a room and to call a doctor.  She died 5 days later after suffering several more heart attacks and a collapsed lung.

Lessons learned—1-- a patient brought in by ambulance has a higher priority to be seen in the ER; 2-- being assertive when dealing with a health crisis is necessary.

I don’t think the outcome would have been any different; however, as I look back and see things as a movie being played out in front of me, I believe I would have been less scared and more in control if I had thought about what could happen in medical emergencies and death.  “Knowledge is power” has been around for a long time.  And while that’s true, I believe the power comes first from knowing where information is and where resources are.  In other words, where to find the knowledge is the first step in finding the power.

Perhaps that experience was the seed for my current mission- to get people of all ages to talk about the details of dealing with a death.  Getting uncomfortable topics on the table is practice for real life situations.

Since my parents no longer owned a home, my mother did not own anything in her own name and there was no internet, the paperwork after her death was minimal. As an only child, I did not have to share any of the keepsakes or personal affects. 

Dealing with my death will not be easy for my 4 daughters, 4 sons-in-law, 3 step-daughters, 3 step sons-in-laws, 17 grandchildren (soon to be 18) and who knows- by then I may have some great grandchildren. I own a car and have a presence on the Internet which I plan to have for many, many more years. Photos are no longer in tangible albums but in a cloud.  The “stuff” of life is more complicated for most of us.  This blog will explore the ever growing number of details that people must deal with when a family member dies.

I am not a lawyer, estate planner or accountant.  I am, however, someone who is interested in helping families with the conversation.  Stay tuned….

Donald Trump

Donald Trump does not seem to know where he wants to be buried.  At least that’s what he was quoted as saying in a Wall Street Journal article on Saturday, June 27, 2015.  The story discussed a trend of people wanting to be cremated and then having their ashes scattered on their favorite golf course.  Since Mr. Trump owns many courses and is a player, he was asked about his wishes for a final resting place. 

One would think that someone as high profile and wealthy as Donald Trump would have his wishes planned.  And perhaps he does and wanted his wishes to be kept private.  Or perhaps he is like the majority of people who are unwilling or unable to discuss end of life issues.  I certainly don’t know but what I do know is that once we reach a point to discuss this topic, some of the fear and trepidation goes away.  That’s the purpose of this blog.  Let’s get the topic out from under the bed and into the daylight.

I want to nudge you to get organized.  While this task can often be farmed out, this particular part of the organization should be created by YOU.  It is no one else’s business about what is in your will, who your insurance agent is, where your bank accounts are located, etc.  Someone trusted only needs to know the location of the document on which you have written the information.

How do you find an attorney who specializes in wills, trusts and estates?  Ask your friends for a recommendation, ask an attorney, contact your local Bar Association or visit the American Bar Association website and click on your state --

http://apps.americanbar.org/legalservices/findlegalhelp/home.cfm.

Once you have your wishes on paper, take a deep breath and prepare for the discussion with your family.  While it may be uncomfortable at first, the more open you are, the more accepting your family should be.  And if the discussion is closed off the first time, remember, you can always bring up the topic again.

Image: Pixabay.com

The Start of the Conversation

William Harrison, an executive in international sales, died unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 56.   His wife wants to notify his customers but does not know his password for his email account.  Susan Marley, 92, dies and leaves the family a safe but no one knows the combination.  Mildred and John Sawyer, both in their 40's, die in a car crash and no one knows if they had any prearrangements with a funeral home or cemetery.   These are all terrible situations that are compounded by a serious lack of information during an already traumatic time.

To lessen the turmoil that accompanies a death whether it is expected or not is to prepare the information and tell someone where the information is kept, not necessarily the specifics- just where the document(s) can be found in the event of an emergency.  The trusted person can be an adult child, a lawyer, a close friend or relative.  Perhaps the documents are with an attorney.  Someone in the family, along with the spouse, needs to know that name and phone number. 

My mission is to help people talk about getting their information on paper- or on the computer as long as someone else knows the password.  I see one of my responsibilities as a member of society is to lessen the burden when I leave this earth.  I have written instructions in my fireproof box and my husband and children know where the box is located. 

Think about it, what is stopping you from putting pen to paper.  Superstition?  Not having a trusted person in your life?  Do you think you don’t have enough assets to warrant a will and therefore don’t need a list of instructions?  If you have a bank account, a Facebook page, an email address, automatic bill paying, a will, specific burial instructions or other unique information about your life, then you need a piece of paper with the information so that others know what to do with when you die. 

In the coming weeks, I will be sharing a document that I developed to help you organize your information.  As a will is fluid, this document has to be fluid, too.  How many times do you change your passwords?  This is not the “be all, the end all” of information gathering; it IS a start.  

Image credit:  Lassarone Motumboe