The Final Gift

My dear friend was murdered on October 27, 2018 during the attack on the synagogue in Pittsburgh.  People have written much more eloquently than I about the feelings and emotions of this horrific day. This blog is not about my feelings.  This is about decision and action with a topic I feel strongly about.

One of the comforting actions my friend’s wife did was to follow the instructions he left for his funeral and burial.  This family had THE CONVERSATION.  The wife knew which funeral home, which cemetery, and what kind of service her husband wanted.  Certainly he had no way of knowing that someone was going to kill him.  He left home that Saturday morning as he usually did.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  When his wife heard about the shooting, she called him and couldn’t raise him.  Then she knew even before law enforcement showed up at her home.

She also knew that way back they tackled the hard conversation and she knew what he wanted to happen when he died.  They both thought they had many years to live before the actions needed to be carried out.  The challenge is—we don’t know what will happen in the next minute.  THE CONVERSATION IS like an insurance policy- you hope you never need it but when you do, you are glad it’s there.  So have that conversation with your family.  Give your family the opportunity to give you the final gift of carrying out your wishes. 

Let me know your thoughts. Share your experience with others.  While this is not necessarily a cocktail party conversation, it really could give depth to such chit chat.  I find most people either stop me in my tracks and tell me they don’t want to talk about it or they open up with sad stories from their past. Yet getting them to commit to having THE CONVERSATION with their own loved ones is difficult.  The more we talk about it, I hope the easier it will be for people to take action.

More Work for the Widow

A recent story in the AARP Bulletin caught my eye.  The heroine had upgraded her computer and then couldn’t connect to the internet.  Her late husband had set up the system and she did not know the password and the answer to the “secret question”.  Note to self: -- add “secret questions and answers” to the list of passwords and usernames.

Our heroine eventually found a computer guy to help her get into her email – but this was with a price tag.  She also had to search for The File that she knew contained important information about their financial life however she was never told, nor did she ask, the file’s name.  She eventually located it.

After she filed the will for probate, she received phone calls from suspicious people because the estate process was advertised in the local newspaper.  The heroine was smart and did not fall for schemes.  Her son was wise to notify the credit card companies of his father’s death.  This meant that the heroine could not use the joint credit card anymore since the husband was the owner of the card and she was merely a user.  Reminder: always have a credit card in your own name.

The heroine wrote about a widow who had to sell her husband’s gun collection and she spend nearly a year locating the paperwork for each gun, then selling the guns and finally dealing with the proceeds as part of the estate. 

An interesting bit of information in the story: when she called her auto insurance agent to tell him of the passing of her husband, she was told her premium would be increased as a single driver; married couples sharing a car are apparently less of an insurance risk. 

These anecdotal incidents continue to focus on the need to “get your stuff in order”.  Make a date with yourself to “just do it”. 

Send me an email and tell me how you are going about organizing your important hard copy and digital papers.   

Is there safety in a Safety Deposit box?

If you are in Pittsburgh, you may have been following the story of a woman who needed to get into her deceased mother’s safety deposit box.  She needed the original will; the bank needed proof that the woman was indeed authorized.  This was a Catch-22 since the will was the proof that she was authorized.  She sued and the bank gave her authorization to access the box a month after her mother died.  The suit against the bank has been dismissed.  The woman can now move forward with her role as the executor.

While the bank is looking into changing its policies, the bottom line for now is: don’t put the original copy of your will in your safety deposit box. 

Please share this blog with friends and family and let me know if you are using the template I created to keep track of important information.

Evacuations

With news headlines of evacuations and impending flooding and snow storms in the not too distant future, I am rethinking my emergency plan.

I have had several gallons of water stored in the basement for several years.  Is it still safe to drink? 

According to a quick google search, the water, if unopened, is safe to drink even beyond the expiration date.  But don’t take my word, google it yourself because there are trade-offs and you have to do what’s best for you.

Here are some other tips from Consumer Reports if you have to evacuate: 

-Pre-Pack a “go bag” – meds, food, water, plastic bags including size appropriate sized bags for electronics, flashlight, phone/ charger, laptop or tablet/ charger, battery-powered or hand cranked powered radio, car charger, power strip, cash in small bills, and a flask drive with copies of insurance policies and other financial information.

.       -Charge your electronics before you leave and of course, remember to pack both the device and the charger.

3       -Conserve electronic power- decrease brightness on the screen, go into a battery-saver mode, turn off WiFi on the road.

4       -Back up your files to the cloud or to a physical hard drive before you leave.

5      - Establish a social media plan as a meet up place for the family.  For example, Facebook or Twitter.  GroupMe or What’s App. 

6       -Set up an ICE function on the phone for emergency contacts.  (I’ve talked about this in a previous blog.)

7       -911 continues to be a viable emergency service though it can get overwhelmed.  If you are on hold, continue to wait because once you hang up and call back, you “go to the back of the line”, so to speak.

.       -If you have time, take photos or videos of the rooms in your house- open drawers and closets, too.  Come insurance claim time, this documentation will come in handy.

9       -Take the time to move outdoor furniture, plants and toys to a protected area.  Think about what items on your property could become a missile with high winds and then store these things appropriately. 

.        -Brace every opening- not just sand bags to prevent water from getting in, find something to brace the garage door.  When the calm air inside meets the whirlwind outside, a depressurization can occur and the house can collapse.

1   -Close all interior doors to reduce the overall pressure on the roof.

.      -Elevate all appliances

1    -Roll area rugs and stand them vertically, otherwise they act as sponges.

.     - If you can safely do it, turn off the water and electric power to your home if you have to evacuate.

The Department of Homeland Security‘s web page has more information about handling evacuations:  go to https://www.dhs.gov/how-do-i/prepare-my-family-disaster, and click on Start Here.

SECRETS

The Elder Law column in the June 24, 2018 issue of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette was devoted to the lack of communication between parents and adult children or between adults and friends.  The statistic quoted was “it’s been estimated that as many as one third of over 75 million people who are between 52 and 70 are without children.  And some people don’t fully trust their children ...including their spouses.”  Sad.  So whom do you trust?  A lawyer?  Then who is responsible for telling the lawyer you are incapacitated or dead? 

These are some of the questions outlined in the article:

Who are your doctors?

Where is your list of prescriptions in case of an emergency?

Where is your medical history?

Where is your list of contacts (personal, professional, organizations)?

Who has access to your digital and hard copy records?

Where is your will and other estate plans?

Have you named someone to act on your behalf and didn’t tell them about this role?

Have you made funeral arrangements?  Where is the paperwork?

Where is your living will?  Have you discussed your decisions with those who will have to make the ultimate decisions?

And here’s another secret to decide on—family history.  Do you tell your children they are adopted?  That they were conceived via a sperm or egg donor?  That their mother/father is not their biological parent because or rape or an affiar?  Whew.  Major secrets.  And this can be enlightening and devastating at the same time.  Feeling loved and lied to at the same time may be the foundation for quality discussion, especially before a loved one and the one who told the lie dies.  I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer in this case though understanding one’s heritage and genetics in today’s world is important. 

My blog is about putting all the information in one place and giving that location to a trusted family member or friend.

What are your thoughts?

Write Your Own Obituary

A few months ago an article appeared in the local newspaper describing the author’s decision to write her own obituary.  This process is related to an ethical will since the writer must delve deep into his/her own psyche and decide what is relevant to discuss.  The author had some funny stories about her early life as well as stories about her professional life.  While she published it in a newspaper, she also made a copy and put it with her important papers so that her family would find it and use it when the time came.  Note:  The author is probably middle aged and will have many years to rethink her words.

 She mentioned she did not want a photo with her obit.  While pictures are eye catching when scanning the obits in the paper (yes, I still read a hard copy of the newspaper) I have also indicated to my family that I do not want a photo to appear.  If I were to select a picture of myself from BG (before grey), my grandchildren and maybe someday, great grandchildren, would not recognize me.  And if I were to select a picture AG (after grey), I would look old and not the person I have in my mind as who I am. 

The idea of writing one’s obituary is intriguing.  I’ve heard the exercise is used in some writing classes.  It would be an interesting conversation to sit down with family and friends and create one.  What do others remember or value about you?  Do I have the courage to do this?  No, I don’t think so…yet.  As I get older, I get more daring!  What about you? 

Photo: Robert of Fairfax 

Digital Will

We all know about wills and power of attorneys; we don’t all know about ethical wills and digital wills.  I’ve blogged about ethical wills and today I want to draw your attention to a digital will.

Many of the points discussed in an online article are already in my template.  Here’s what Ken Colburn of Data Doctors wrote on April 5, 2018—

.                Make a list of your accounts and devices

               Write down passwords for sites and for devices.

              If you have a website, write down the passwords and any identifying info needed to access the site

4              Assign someone to be responsible for the accounts, website and devices.  This may be one person or several.  You can also include your wishes about what to do with the website or account. 

5.            Assigning someone to monitor your email account is critical.  Just think of the amount of mail you receive daily.  While most of it could be considered “junk”, I’ll bet there are some that would be important for your heirs.

6              Google has an Inactive Account Manager.  I was able to go into settings and select a manager if my account was to be inactive.  Https://goo.gl/sVJgTj.  I went to Personal Info & Privacy, Control your Contents and then Assign an Account Trustee.   Perhaps other systems have something similar.

7              Facebook also has a legacy contact.  I set up a contact last year.  You can search on Facebook for “Memorialization Request”.  The individual being memorialized must appoint a legacy.  To do this, follow these instructions:

1.     Click  in the top right of Facebook and select Settings

2.     Click Manage Account

3.     Type in a friend's name and click Add

4.     To let your friend know they're now your legacy contact, click Send

All this info is great- if we take action.  Otherwise it is merely an exercise in procrastination.

How are you going to take action?  Share…

Death Cafe in PIttsburgh

Several weeks ago my local library and I hosted a Death Café- an opportunity to talk about death in a safe and respectful setting- and eat cake and drink coffee.

I blogged about the concept many months ago when I attended a session in a neighboring community.  It was an eye opening and uplifting experience and I left that meeting with the intention of doing one locally.  The librarian who is responsible for programming at my library was intrigued and agreed to help.  And help he did.  He created a great press release and marketing material for the library’s Facebook page and e-newsletter.   I was delighted with 38 attendees.   Many expressed an interest in attending future Death Cafes.  With the encouragement of the librarian, we will set up another one- in a larger space- for the fall.  We broke up into 4 groups and each group talked about something different. 

If you are intrigued, google deathcafe.com.  Maybe you want to connect with your local library and plan one.  There’s even a Death Cafe Pittsburgh Facebook group among other Death Café Facebook groups around the world.   Death Café started in 2011 in England because the founder and his mother didn’t have a place to talk about death so they decided to change the model.   This seems to be the reason for lots of grassroots activities…change. 

A few days ago I shared my experience with some friends and one of them, an astute businessman, said he didn’t want to talk about death because “when it comes, it comes.”  I’m sure he has a will and financial power of attorney but does he have a medical power of attorney?  Does his wife and adult children know what his wishes are if he is unable to make medical decisions for himself?  He didn’t want to talk about it and the subject was dropped.

The discomfort of talking about the “what ifs” needs to be balanced with the chaos of what might happen if there are no contingency plans.  That’s why I believe in talking about the uncomfortable.  Keeping secrets, burying my head in the sand and ignoring facts is selfish, in my opinion.  What do you think?

Swimming with the Sharks

I’m currently reading The Rainbow Comes and Goes by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt.  It’s conversations between the news reporter, Anderson Cooper, and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt who is an actress, artist and fashion designer.  One statement popped out for me.  Anderson is writing about his work ethic and his desire for adventure.  He talks about sharks and their need to almost continuously move forward in order to breathe.  He imagines himself “a shark gliding through dark, silent seas.”

Why did this resonate with me?  Maybe because I consider myself a forward thinker, a person who is constantly looking for what lies ahead.  In dragonboating (google the word if it is unfamiliar to you), we are coached to look to the finish line when we practice so it is automatic when we race.  Most life coaches talk about goal setting to help their clients make behavioral changes.  When we stand still for long periods, we are not working toward our goals. 

Yes, we need quiet time to assess, to plan and to evaluate.  But not too long...action is part of the planning.

Organizing, decluttering, cleaning the nooks and crannies of a room, purging clothes and food that is outdated and reassessing the important stuff:  will, healthcare and financial powers of attorney, are all necessary to move forward.    Confession- I found some serious dust bunnies in a corner of a seldom used room during spring cleaning. 

What are you cleaning, organizing?  What can you give away?  Share….

Swedish Death Cleaning

Maybe because I’m tired of the snow and cold, I’m thinking about spring and the inevitable Spring Cleaning.  Or maybe because I’m seeing “Spring Cleaning” tips on magazine covers and on Facebook, I’m thinking about it.  I’m thinking so hard that I decided to postpone my scheduled cleaning activity so I can write this blog!!  That’s called procrastination.

In reality, I saw a post on the NextAvenue.org blog and an article in the AARP magazine on Swedish Death Cleaning.  Döstädning is the Swedish word for Death Cleaning or decluttering your living space while you are still alive. 

One of the more original thoughts in the articles was to get rid of diaries, journals and the like if they contain information that might cause loved ones to be hurt by the words.   And in today’s society, at least in the US, younger people do not want the family heirlooms- grandma’s silverware, Uncle Joe’s collection of cigar bands, records or tapes but no machine to play them on, and so on.  Serious death cleaning involves getting rid of clothing, furniture, keepsakes that one doesn’t need to live out the years s/he has left. 

To tie this all together, I am washing windows and floors, shredding old papers, cleaning cabinets especially in the kitchen and going through clothing.   I will get exercise from the cleaning, and I will toss out dated food.  Charities will get the clothes that no longer “bring me joy”.  I will be lighter.   My mind will be open to new ideas as I clear out the old ideas.  It’s all good!  I’m not labeling this as “Death Cleaning”, rather it is Spring Cleaning.

Join me this spring in decluttering.  Let me know your methods and techniques.  Love the microfiber cloths!

SHREDDING

While I’ve discussed this before, March seems like a good time to review the topic.  As we “do our taxes” we often are left with a mountain- at least a small hill- of papers, receipts, etc.  The Federal Trade Commission has a list of items to be shredded and to be retained.  Go to FTC.gov and search for “shredding”.  And if you don’t want to do that, here’s the list:

Shred immediately:  sales receipts, ATM receipts, paid credit card statements, paid utility bills, credit offers, cancelled checks that are not tax related, and expired warranties.  Comments:  I save receipts until I’m sure I don’t have to return anything- even grocery store receipts.  And I also save utility bills until the end of the year.  I recycle credit card offers- EXCEPT the page with my address. This I tear up immediately.  Note:  If you want to stop receiving credit card offers, visit https://www.optoutprescreen.com/?rf=t and complete the form.  You can opt out for 5 years or permanently.

Shred after a year: pay stubs, bank statements, and paid, undisputed medical bills.

Shred after 7 years:  tax-related receipts, tax related cancelled checks, W-2s and records for tax deductions taken

Shred car titles after you sell your car(s); shred home deeds after you sell your house(s); shred improvement receipts after your sell the home and pay capital gains taxes.

Keep forever in a safe place (one that is made known to a trusted person): birth certificates, social security cards, marriage or divorce decrees, citizenship papers, adoption papers, death certificates, tax returns.  I also include wills, instructions after death, power of attorney, and other important documents. 

Hope everyone in the US has an easy time with their tax prep.  May you have a lovely refund!!

DECLUTTERING

Not organizing – decluttering.   The word is softer; the action is still hard work.

 

In December ( it’s now mid-February), I decided to organize my photos- not the digital ones- the old fashioned hold- in- your- hand ones.  What an undertaking…I’m only about a quarter of the way through the albums I inherited from my parents and those I created when my kids were young. 

I think decluttering is like home remodeling….it always takes longer than you planned and the costs are greater than the budget. 

I am getting pictures scanned and then I will make photo books for each of my kids.  What I thought would be a one month project will probably be a yearlong project.  And persevere I will.  2018 will be my year of decluttering, organizing, and breathing. 

Tips from professional declutterers (not sure if this is a real word)—

For clothing, look at your clothes and decide if you really like each piece.  If not, give the item away. 

                Put yourself on a 30 day freeze of non-essential purchases.

                Schedule downtime to rejuvenate yourself.

Walk out of your house/apartment/ room.  Then walk back in as if you have never been there before.  Look at your environment through a new lens.  What do you like?  What would you change?  And most important, what would you get rid of?

I also started on my recipe collection.  I’m a recipe clipper.  Newspapers, magazines, online recipes.  And I remember painstakingly putting recipes into notebooks years ago.  Now it’s time to review and pitch.  While I haven’t filled a dumpster yet, I am throwing out recipes that I will never make.  My cooking and baking habits have changed over the years.  So why have I been hanging on to pieces of paper that I will never read?    I have no answer.  For the past few evenings while watching TV, I have been discarding old yellowed recipes and discovering those that have possibilities.  Decluttering is freeing. 

What are you doing to organize your life?  To declutter your life so your path is safe and easily walked on? 

REAL ID for Pennsylvanians

Our local paper ran a story about the REAL ID cards that Pennsylvanians who want to board a domestic airplane and/or enter a federal building will have to have by 2020.  What caused me to take notice was the list of documents one needs to validate who they are so they can be granted the REAL ID card which the federal government recognizes as approved credentials for the general public.  The current PA driver’s license is not a REAL ID. 

As the story goes, beginning in the spring of 2019, Pennsylvanians will need the following documents to obtain a REAL ID:

• Proof of Identity
• Examples: Original or certified copy of a birth certificate with a raised seal or valid U.S. Passport
• Proof of Social Security Number
• Example: Social security card
  *Please note that social security card cannot be laminated or sealed in plastic.
• Proof of all Legal Name Changes
• Examples: Marriage certificate or court order issued by your county's family court
  *Please note: You must show a complete name change history that links your birth certificate name to your current name. If you have a valid U.S. Passport or U.S. Passport Card with your legal name, you may use that as your name change document.
• Two Proofs of Current, Physical PA Address
• Examples: Current, unexpired PA license or ID and a no more than 90-day-old bank statement or utility bill with the same name and address

It is suggested that one wait until the next renewal of your license to get the REAL ID to “avoid the rush”. 

Why am I writing about this now?  This speaks to the essence of what this blog is about…putting your important papers in one safe spot.  If you don’t know where your birth certificate, marriage license, passport and social security number are, schedule an appointment with yourself and make the time to gather the documents sooner rather than later.

For more information about the REAL ID, visit:  http://www.dmv.pa.gov or https://www.dhs.gov and search for REAL ID.   There is a caveat to this new card—if you know you will never board an airplane or enter a federal building then you don’t need the card.  And since none of us have a crystal ball to look into the future, it is best that we be prepared. So get the REAL ID card when it becomes available. 

Photo by Andrew Berlin

Burial at Sea

I thought this only happened when people died on a ship and for whatever reason the body could not be sent back to the mainland or when a ship sank and there were no survivors.  However, a friend sent me a link to www.eternalreef.com.   Interestingly, there is a company that will take cremains and craft the ashes into a memorial reef.  The following is from their website:  For families and individuals that choose cremation, Eternal Reefs offers a unique memorial choice that replaces cremation urns and ash scatterings with a permanent environmental living legacy as a gift to the environment and generations yet to come.

How unique! And for someone who loves the water, this would make sense.  I go back to my mantra- talk to your family or whoever will be taking care of your wishes.  Have the conversation. They are not mind readers.   And one thing can lead to another so that all parties are on the same page after “The Conversation”.  Talking about final wishes will also get ther younger people thinking about their own wishes.  Non one is immune to becoming incapacitated or dying.

Comments or questions?  Please begin a dialogue.

Alternative to Aging

Is there an alternative to aging?  Not in the physical sense of the word. The alternative lies in how we adapt to it. The body reaches peak efficiency at age 30 according to Dr. Nathan W. Shock of the Gerontology Research Center in Baltimore, Maryland.  And as part of the natural process of aging, the body begins to decline.  However, and fortunately there is a “however”, many people will live productive lives well into their 80s and 90s.  University of Kentucky researchers found that 10-12 out of 100,000 Americans will reach their 100^th birthday.  And one-third of them will be physically active, mentally alert, and free of major active disease.

Take a listen to your body.  What is it telling you?  Can you find ways to slow down the changes you see and feel or find ways of positively adapting to them? 

While genetics play an important role in how we age, attitude and mindset are critical.    There’s Tao, the 98 year old yoga instructor; Ida, the 94 year old sprinter; Raj who received a master’s degree in Economics at 98; and Jimmy, the 93 year old 39^th President of the US.  Attitude helps us deal with life’s stressors.  When I see people sitting around, not doing anything but watching TV, I see a lonely life.   Teens who are just “hanging out” and adults who find excuses not to move or who are afraid to move, need to be encouraged to get involved with something - to help ourselves age well.  Finding a social community either through church, work,school, neighborhood, volunteer activity, or community center is crucial for people of any age. 

In addition to community, we need to eat real food and move.  There are thousands of diets in the world and for simplicity and for anyone of any age, if we just ate real food and moved more, we would be healthier and perhaps we could slow the aging process.  Stretching exercises and fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes are keys to health.  Take the initiative and search for exercises that you can do even if they have to be done sitting in a chair.  Go to the grocery store and try a new fruit or vegetable even if it is frozen.   Move your legs, your fingers across the keyboard and your mind to search out interesting topics.  That's what I'm doing!!  Join me.