LOVE

A shout out to Julian Gray and Frank Petrich, certified elder law attorneys, who write a column in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.   In the Dec. 24, 2017 issue their focus was on the 12 days of Christmas and a playful but serious view of planning ahead.

The main theme of the column was love and caring.  When you love someone, whether s/he’s a partner, friend, spouse, or child you need to talk about plans in the event you become incapacitated.   Where are the important papers?  Do I want lifesaving medical intervention even if the outcome puts me in a less than desirable state?  Do I want to be an organ donor?  Who do I want to be responsible for making medical decisions if I can’t make them for myself?   Where do I want to be buried?  Do I want to be cremated?   Who are the beneficiaries of my insurance, my dwelling, my financial portfolio?  Endless questions.  And these questions need to be answered both for the questioner and for the respondent. 

A good way to start off a holiday conversation may be, “now that we are all together, I want to take a few minutes and tell you why I have begun planning and I want to hear your thoughts about what steps you have taken for your future plans.”  It’s all about love and responsibility and yes, it can be about money, too, when you want to learn all the ways to protect your money for your loved ones.

I promised my blogging community that in December I would begin reviewing photos and identifying people in pictures because my kids would not know the names.   Yes, I did start.  And quickly I realized I will need a long time to complete my project.  So I am working on it.  My plan is to scan the photos and then identify the event and people and make photo books for each of my kids.  The original goal was to complete the project by year’s end.  Not going to happen.  New goal- May, 2018!

So check out the Elder Law column in the December 24, 2017 issue of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (post-gazette.com) and search for The Conversation Project (https://theconversationproject.org/)  about how to start The Conversation.

Have a safe and happy holiday season. 

Onward to 2018….

POLST

I continue to be amazed about what I don’t know. 

I recently read about a man who had an advanced directive on file at his hospital; however, no one noticed it in his file when he was admitted.  The patient was unable to speak for himself, the son wanted life-saving measures for his father (father and son never discussed scenarios) and for two weeks none of the medical personal saw the form.  The father had medical procedures and other unwanted treatment and was sent back to the nursing home from whence he came.

What I didn’t know is that the Advanced Directive is not a physician’s order.  I should have known this because a physician hasn’t signed it. Of all the many surgeries we have had in my family, the only question asked is – Do you have a Living Will?  No one asks to look at it, to review it with the patient, to ascertain if the patient understands the form.  And from some of the comments in the article I noted above, the Advanced Directive is placed in the person’s chart or scanned in and then gets lost among the myriad of test results and physician notes.   

The second piece of information I learned is people with serious illness need an Advanced Directive or Living Will and a POLST.  The latter is a form signed by a physician with very specific directions.  First responders are required to give assistance unless the patient has a POLST, Physician Orders for Life-sustaining Treatment.  About half the states in the US has a POLST Program and the other half is developing one.  Visit www.polst.org for specific information about your state.

The bottom line, and my mantra, is talk with your family so that the younger generation knows what you want regarding end of life decisions and you know what they want in the event of their own unexpected crisis.

Nothing beats talking to another human being about these difficult topics.

Twists and Turns

Almost every time I think I have things figured out, I learn about a new situation that either negates or reinforces a position.  Recently I attended the funeral of a friend.  Only a few months before, I attended the funeral of her husband.  When spouses die within a short timeframe, it is known as the “widowhood effect”.  Scientifically, it can be referred to as takotsubo cardiomyopathy, aka “broken-heart syndrome”. 

The adult children introduced me to their parents’ lawyer and estate planner.  We exchanged pleasantries and lamented on the children’s sadness of losing both parents in such a short timeframe.  She indicated the estates were “a mess” because neither parent discussed the will. The children and the wife did not act quickly on the father’s estate.  I am guessing that the bulk of the estate was left to the wife but since the wife had not acted on settling the estate, and now she has passed away, the lawyer has to untangle it all.

The advice most estate planners give to the beneficiaries is to take one’s time in settling the estate- take time before putting the house on the market and moving to an apartment; take time to sell collectables; contact life insurance companies immediately.  But is there a problem with “too much time”?  And in this case, when one spouse dies quickly after another, there is a problem.

The attorney indicated that a major factor in the “mess” was the lack of communication between the parents and the adult children.  Apparently some of the circumstances could have been mitigated if the parents had discussed the will and arrangements with their kids, especially by giving the adult children the name of the lawyer.

Bottom line:  Don’t leave your kids/friends/beneficiaries uninformed.  Have the conversation about end of life issues including finances and the “stuff” of life.   And be sure to let the heirs know the name of the attorney/ finance person.  And talk to your estate attorney about a Plan B in the event your beneficiary dies before the estate is settled.

If you have not received a copy of my Vital Information Form, please email me and I will send it along as a word document.

SCAMS

Several weeks ago I attended a senior health fair sponsored by a local congressman.  The Pennsylvania Attorney General’s office was represented and the staff person handed out a booklet discussing scams and how to avoid falling victim to one.  I would hope most, if not all states, had similar materials for residents.

The focus of this 80 page booklet was “rights and responsibilities” which reinforces my premise for starting this blog- we have responsibilities to take care of ourselves and to be as knowledgeable as possible to keep ourselves safe.

Among the things I learned are:

 -How to file a complaint with the Bureau of Consumer Protection

- The nuts and bolts of the Lemon Law

-I am entitled to one free credit report annually

-Ways to avoid identity theft including opting out of receiving unsolicited preapproved credit card applications by calling 1-888-567-8688  (I just did this and it was a very simple process) ; and shredding magazine subscription labels

-What to look for when buying a hearing aid or other medical aids

-Home improvement regulations

-What to think about when buying or selling a home or car

-Who to call for a product safety issue

-Current scams: Grandparent, electricity, tech support, government agency, internet sales, electric and gas generation supplier sales, home security systems, work at home schemes, living trust mills and annuity, lottery/sweepstakes, mystery shopper, investment, travel and prescription.  Most of these have been in the news but several were new to me. 

-Information about card skimmers-if it doesn’t look like it belongs on the machine, it probably doesn’t.

-Important phone numbers and websites

And last, but not least, I signed up for scam alerts under www.attorneygeneral.gov- it’s listed on The Office page.

If you are not in Pennsylvania, check your state’s Attorney General’s Office for similar information.

In Pennsylvania, call 1-800-441-2555; you may be able to receive Rights and Resources Consumer Guide in the mail.

Organizing for a Disaster

A friend who lives in California told me about her daughter who was asked by the elementary school principal to write individual letters to her children and to include a family picture so that in the event of a disaster, the school administration could give the letters to the children for reassurance, to help calm them down, to allay their fears.  I was saddened to hear that administrators are put in the position of having to think about this.  

The conversation comes at a time when the US is focused on natural disasters- Hurricanes Harvey, Irma and Maria; Earthquakes; Wild Fires.  As I read about people discussing their quick evacuation from their homes, I am wondering what they take with them.  I don’t live in a flood plain so I have not had to ever worry about evacuation for a natural disaster.  Do I have a plan?  What would I take with me?  How would I leave my valuables?  The answers are unique to our individual situations.  Heavy duty plastic bags are looking mighty good to me right now.

When I was in school, the building was safe.  No one carried a gun, we didn’t have security guards.  In fact, students acted as “crossing guards” and students were called upon to escort guests around the building.  Though, come to think of it, we who are of a certain age can remember the bomb drills- a bell would ring and we would have to crouch under our desk and be quiet.  The teacher would turn out the lights and pull the window blinds down, if we had them. 

These drills didn’t bother me.  After all, I was in the greatest country in the world and no country in their right mind would dare drop a bomb on the US.  We also didn’t have up- to- the- minute knowledge of disasters, we only saw the news at night if we were allowed to stay up that late and most kids I knew did not read the newspaper.  Wars and natural disasters were not part of our lives in a real way.

Not so today.  We are prepped for disasters.  We have time to think about impending crises.  What would you take with you if you had to flee your home?  While I have a small safe for my important documents, I am now thinking I should put it in a large plastic bag in the event of a flood or tornado. 

I have my list with important phone numbers and important people.  Most people do not have their paperwork organized.  What is stopping you?  Take the time during a calm period to organize your papers.  I should say “schedule a time during a calm period to organize your papers” –this is your call to action!

For me, by mid-October, I will have made a copy of my important papers and a copy of important pictures; I will place them in a heavy duty plastic bag so that I can quickly grab it if I needed to leave my home quickly.  What is your action step?

Death Cafe Update

Picture this:  a sunlit room, 8-10 chairs around  small conference tables, the scent of coffee wafting from a corner, 40 people talking in small groups, and the topic of the day is – death.

This was a recent experience.  I attended a Death Café in a room within a museum.  I went by myself and sat with 7 strangers.  Each group had a facilitator.  We talked for 90 minutes about grief, death rituals, afterlife (yay or nay).  The object was to listen, to be open and nonjudgmental, and to be willing to express fears and sadness.  The result of the afternoon was insight and calm.  We were of different age  and social economic levels and probably religions though we didn’t discuss this.  Though the subject was death, it was an uplifting afternoon.

There are Death Cafes being held all over the world.  All it takes to create one is a room, some coffee and sweets and the courage to discuss the topic.  The phenomenon started in the UK in 2011.  Cafes have been held in 51 countries and I would like to have one in my community.  The first step is to write a proposal to the library to ask for a free room.  Then I will advertise and see what happens.  The guideline states the event is to be free to the public and that there needs to be coffee or tea and cake!

Some people have asked me why I seem to be fixated on death.  While I think I have a well-balanced life—family, friends, recreation and learning, I think, as I have gotten older, I am more acutely aware of the finality of life.  Rather than running from that thought, I am embracing it and trying to make the most of the life I have as I appreciate there will be death which is inevitable. 

Check out deathcafe.com for more info.

Let me know your thoughts…….

A Written Legacy

Thanks to my brother-in-law for passing on the following information. 

 Ebey Funeral Solutions in Dallas created a brochure with interesting questions.  In it, the suggestion is given to spend  time each week answering one of the 50 questions listed.

It is not an overwhelming assignment.  Schedule 15 minutes one day a week for 50 weeks and at the end you will have a wonderful legacy to leave for your family.  

If you would like the list, I think I can scan it into a response to an email.

Some of the questions are:

Why did you parents give you your name?

What are your favorite family traditions?

Where did you go to school?  (Elementary, Middle, High School, College, etc)

How did you and your spouse/partner meet?

What are your special talents?

I’m sure you can come up with your own list of questions/topics and begin answering them in September which is frequently considered another time to reboot/reconnect/begin anew.

In the past when I have thought about writing about my life, I seem to focus on the hard times and then I get sad and give up.  Having topics, like writing chapters in a book, would help me break down my story into manageable parts.  I’m going to try this. 

Let me know what you decided to do.

The Funeral Folder

At the funeral of a friend, the clergy told the story of the woman’s life.  He smiled when he said the woman had a Funeral File among her papers.  This file contained her wishes for her funeral including the name of the cemetery, the plot number and the psalms she wanted to be read.  She had everything labeled and her husband and children had the gift of giving her exactly what she wanted.

It is a gift.  I think most of American society think of the final preparations as morbid or scary.  I look at it as a gift.  I have peace of mind knowing that I am doing my best to have all the necessary legal and practical bits of information in one place so that my family will not have to agonize over whether or not they did the right thing for me if I become incapacitated or die.  

In honor of my friend, I am renaming my file, The Funeral File.  It has a boring label: will, etc.

Onward to the label maker and beyond…

As always, please leave a comment if you are inclined.

Insurance Review

If I’m not talking about cleaning, reviewing, organizing and the like, I am thinking about it.  Several weeks ago we received a call from the insurance agent who bought the company from our agent of many years.  He is on a quest to visit all of the clients and to review their coverages.  Lucky for us, he paid us a visit and we were able to delete a few line items, add a few and at the end, we are saving some money and we have greater auto and home coverage. 

One of his stories interested me. Chester is now 80 and has not reviewed his car insurance policy  for 15 years.  When he sat down with the young agent, Chester realized he had been paying for milage that he did not need.  Chester only drives to the grocery story, the doctor and to church.  He no longer drives miles to call on customers.    And Chester's car is the same 2002 car he had when he  talked with his insurance agent in 2002.  Then he needed collision, now, not so much.    As a result of the discussion,  Chester is saving money.

He also suggested that we take photos of each room of the house with particular attention to any item that may be of value so that there could be some record, however accurate it might be, in the event of a fire, flood or theft.  Such a good idea. 

Turning thoughts into action – the most difficult behavior change- is now on my list.  I scheduled a time to use a camera, then upload them to a site and get prints made.  These prints will go into my fireproof safe.  I can also put them on a thumb drive and put that in the safe but in 10 years, the current drives may not be able to be used due to new technology.

I still have to work on getting my family photos in order but his visit spurred me on to take action and create snapshots of my house and my stuff.

If anyone is interested in finding a new insurance agent in Pittsburgh, email me and I will share his contact info.  If not,  call your car/home agent and review your coverage.  You never know what you might learn.

Happy picture taking!!

Hand Me Downs

Most of us are familiar with the term “hand me down”.  For some, it denotes poverty; for others, it means adventure.  Growing up, the “term hand me down” represented both.  I felt poor because I was relying on cousins giving me clothes and at the same time, the arrival of a package from New York was an adventure.

In the early years of child rearing, I created 2 new terms: “hand me up” and “hand me over”.  The concept is simple:  a “hand me down” is an item that is given to a younger person; a” hand me up” is an item given to an older person; a “hand me over” is an item given to a contemporary.  Recently, one of my daughters did a closet purge and I am now the recipient of several “new to me” tops—the perfect “hand me up”.  When my daughters exchange clothing, the “hand me over” concept plays out.  It is rare that any of the kids want to wear my clothes and if they would, I would be happy to give them my “hand me downs.”

Why is the important?  Because cleaning closets and drawers is a necessary and freeing activity.  It goes along with being organized.  The less “stuff” we have to deal with, the easier it is to find what we want and we can share our excess with others in the community.  One of my college aged granddaughters told me about a project at their school that promotes swap days.  Girls who want to exchange clothes meet and most everyone leave with something new to them. 

The takeaway is – go clean a closet or a drawer.  Decide what to do with the items- keep, pitch, give away.  Free up the energy around you for new inputs!

Hidden Treasures

A story in a local newspaper shed light on the challenge of “stuff”.  The reporter wrote about a woman who is faced with clearing out her mother’s home.  The mom lived with her sister for over 60 years.  That’s 60 years of stuff from essentially 2 independent women.  The mom was married and had several children and subsequently multiple grandchildren and great grandchildren.   The sister in law worked as a buyer for an upscale clothing store.  Now, the daughter/niece has to determine what to do with all the items so that the house can be sold.  This is a very time consuming task. 

The article quoted several Professional Organizers.  Both said the same thing- look over the materials and select a few things to bring into your own home.  Do you really need all the love letters from World War II or will a few suffice?  How many sets of dishes do you want to bring into your own home?  If you don’t know the people in the photos, do you really need the picture?  Many of us had scrapbooks, before scrapbooking was a “thing”.  I recently looked at one of mine and realized the greeting cards I saved were meaningless and my kids wouldn’t know the senders; I put the books into the trash.  One less thing for my kids to do when I am no longer around.

There are people in the community who can use dishes, pots and pans, etc.  As responsible adults, we can make those decisions now so that our loved ones won’t be saddled with the task later.  If the children and grandchildren already have their own homes, they probably do not need another set of dishes or pots. 

Schedule a few hours each week to go through a closet, a chest, a few drawers.  Get rid of the extra stuff now by selling it, giving it away or throwing it away.  I’m not talking about being a minimalist; I am talking about freeing oneself of things/clutter/old and outdated items.

There’s lots of talk about food cleanses/ detox now.  Whether or not they work is another topic.  A “stuff” detox, however, will be very helpful to your loved ones.

CON MAN

A friend’s 95 year old mother (we will call her Gwen) gave $6000 to a funeral home owner for her pre-paid funeral.  Unfortunately she made the check payable directly to the owner- not the funeral home.  Then the funeral home filed for bankruptcy.  So what’s a daughter to do?  First she called the police.  Then she reviewed the situation with her mother who is embarrassed.  The funeral home owner was supposed to be arrested but is now working for another funeral home in the same town. 

But what happens to Gwen who lost $6000?   Will she live long enough to get it back?  Sad.  I don’t have the answers; it continues to amaze me that bright, sharp people can be swept off their feet by a fast talking con man.  Lesson- talk to friends/family before making an investment. 

And how can we prevent our elderly loved ones from becoming victims to con artists?  One way might be to convince the individual to add another person’s name to their checking account so that all checks require 2 signatures.  I know – families are complicated.  This may not work for all families.

 

Trust is a complicated issue.  And pride can be even more complicated.  As older adults, can we trust our kids?  Can we trust the business establishments in our community?  How do we face our friends and relatives when we have made a mistake?  Personally, I think friends and family who would ridicule someone who is in a bind are not really friends.  They are not trustworthy. 

I send good wishes to Gwen.  I hope she gets all of her money back and I hope the person who stole from her is punished.

Comments?  Leave your comments below.

What Are Your Goals?

We can look at this question from many angles.  Are we training for a competition?  Are we trying to lose or gain weight?  Do we need to choose a career? And this question is also relatable to health care. 

An article in The Washington Post by Dr. Mitch Kaminshi from March 9, 2015 discusses this question from the patient’s point of view.  The medical community generally wants to solve the problem for the patient.  The patient may really want to be able to reach a level of quality of life that is important to him/her.

The same goes for thinking about how we want to leave our “stuff” to our heirs.  What are our goals?  Do we want to leave our papers in order?  Have all the important information readily accessible?  Or do we want our children or friends/ family to have a difficult time finding papers, names, and phone numbers in order to settle our estate?  Do we want to allocate our money in a specific way or do we want to leave it to the state?  Do we want people arguing over our care or do we want to have our wishes carried out if we are incapacitated? 

Each of us has an idea of what we want and too often no one asks us for our thoughts.  So tell your family you want them to have a difficult time finding all your papers when the situation calls for it so they will get off your back about getting a will or organizing your papers.  Or tell them you are taking action and getting your affairs in order and insist they should do the same.  Use my form or find another one as a start.

What are YOUR goals?  

Death Cafe

I know, it's a weird title.

I had heard of Death Dinners but not Death Cafes-- until recently.  Death Cafes is a series of meetings to discuss and explore feelings and attitudes toward death.  The movement began in Europe in 2011.  The University of North Carolina at  Ashville has hosted several Death Cafes.  At the meetings the 50 participants talk about their own death, the death of others and how that experience impacted them, and how they want to see their death unfold.  The leader makes one statement to start the discussion, "What is your relationship with death and dying and let that be your guide."   

People seems to leave these programs in a calm state and with a determination to discuss the subject of death with their loved ones.  A survey by The  Conversation Project, found 90 percent of people polled said talking with their loved ones about end-of-life care is important, but only about 30 percent said they had actually had the talk.  Of course, this is what we do...we ruminate over things, have talks in our head, read, think and infrequently take the final step to talk about the issue. 

You can hear Helen Chickering's report on WCQS's news . 

Would you attend a Death Café?  How about a pot luck Death Dinner?   

Off Topic—Safety in the Kitchen

This blog discusses one more issue to which we, as responsible adults, need to pay attention.

Here’s the scenario:  You are having a dinner party and know you need to prepare foods ahead of time so you are not stressed during the party.  How do you make food ahead of time and reheat it so that it doesn’t spoil?

First, you need to cool foods quickly to get them from the stove to the fridge.  This involves placing the food in shallow pans so there is a greater surface exposed to the air.  Or you can put the pot/pan in an ice bath- just make sure the container with the ice is clean.  Another way of cooling is to divide the large quantity into smaller portions.  I like to put either a trivet or a pot holder under the container of warm food when I place it on my glass refrigerator shelf so that cool air can get under the container as well as over and around the sides.

Of course, you can always use a thermometer but most home cooks, including me, don’t do this.  Information from Contra Costa Environmental Health in California stated foods should be cooled from 135⁰ F to 41⁰F or below within 6 hours with the most significant drop of 135⁰ F to 70⁰F occurring within 2 hours. 

It is equally important to reheat foods to the proper temperature.  Foods should come up to 165⁰ F to kill off any bacteria that may have grown during the cooling or reheating process.  Many home cooks reheat in a microwave.  I am learning that it is important to rotate the food because microwaves sometimes have cool spots and the food may not be heated through.

Here’s an important fact sheet from the FDA about reheating leftovers.   https://www.fsis.usda.gov/wps/portal/fsis/topics/food-safety-education/get-answers/food-safety-fact-sheets/safe-food-handling/leftovers-and-food-safety/CT_Index

As a long time home cook, I didn’t think I needed to pay attention to this very basic kitchen lesson.  But I do.  Fortunately, I have not had any issue with any of the thousands of meals I have prepared but times are changing and I need to keep up.  I will start using my thermometer more often than just for the Thanksgiving turkey!

Comments.  Questions.

Who’s helping mom/dad?

Many people will need assistance in their homes.  Duties range from paying bills to driving to doctors’ appointments to cooking, cleaning, and even bathing the patient.  Recent cyber scams have again brought to light the nefarious actions of some individuals.  And these things are not just happening on the internet.  They are happening in the homes of vulnerable populations. 

The safest and most reliable option is to hire people through a reputable, licensed agency.  But if you decide to hire someone on your own, please do a criminal background check and ask for previous employer references.  While I advocate organizing one’s important papers into one location, common sense dictates to keep this location secure.  Don’t leave it out for workers to look at it.

 And families have a responsibility to check on things using a random schedule.  And the new mantra,  “if you see something, say something”, holds true in this situation.  If your gut tells you your loved one is being taken advantage of, contact the police.  

Wait

One of my daughters sent me an article about surviving spouses who impulsively review and change their finances.

The article suggests that surviving spouses wait a while before making financial decisions.  And the definition of surviving spouse does not only relate to the death of a spouse but to divorce. 

Amy Floiran, a thanatologist (an individual who studies death), is quoted as saying, “[Financial] Advisors don’t know how to communicate during times of grief” because they concentrate on hard numbers and they are uncomfortable dealing with clients who are grief stricken.

She suggests the advisor needs to listen to the client, ask open ended questions, and help the client avoid making quick decisions. 

While I am usually suggesting we take action, this time I seem to be suggesting we take a few breaths and let some time pass before we make changes to our finances.  The old adage, haste makes waste, applies here.   But then again, we don’t want to wait too long.  Again, the uniqueness of the individual comes into play here.  There is no “one size fits all”; there is common sense, some quiet time, and then the opportunity for change.

Comments?

Shhhh. It's a Secret.

Many older adults are afraid to talk about medical costs with their kids and even with their financial advisor according to a survey recently released by the Nationwide Retirement Institute.  Seriously??? 

As an older adult, I understand the awkwardness of the subject.  After all, we, the seniors, are on the declining curve of the Bell Curve of life expectancy.  But really, the more we talk about our concerns, the less frightening the choices become.  We need to know the laws of our state regarding state assistance for medical care.  We need to talk to our financial advisor, if we have one, so that s/he will be better able to guide us with our investments.  And if we don’t have investments, then we need to talk to our spouse or children. 

While “I don’t want to worry my kids” or “medical/health issues are private” ring true, the burden of having to make decisions rests upon those who are faced with unexpected critical situations.

One statistic that stood out for me from the Nationwide survey was that 1/3 of those surveyed said they would be unable to pay for a $500 unexpected expense. 

To all those who are reading this, start the conversation with your family.  Take the plunge.  Don’t wait for something to happen.  Open the discussion.  And let me know what happens.

Photo by Darin McClure