New Year Assignments

Winter is a time in look inward.  The days are shorter, the weather (at least in the east) is cold, and being inside is more inviting.  So, what to do…. One good suggestion I came across is to get a binder and include: A financial asset list, a non-financial asset list (personal items that may be of value), computer passwords, credit card numbers, emergency contacts, estate planning documents and the location of your financial adviser and lawyer, funeral arrangements, health information (and this is super important if you take medication and have chronic conditions), insurance policies, and tax statements (or a note indicating the location of the previous year’s returns) and the name and phone number of the accountant. 

This may also be a time to take another look at your will, healthcare power of attorney and financial power of attorney.  Do you want to change beneficiaries?  Do you have new grandchildren or nephews and nieces?  Did you have a death in the family last year and what did you learn from that experience relative to your own financial situation? 

As you ponder the future, take a look back at the last year or even the last decade and marvel at your accomplishments.  Writing these things down with pen and paper instead of a computer can enhance the experience of patting yourself on the back.  The exercise of writing is very positive.  We all need pats on the back and sometimes we are the only one who will do it for ourselves. 

Cheers to your past accomplishments and future endeavors.  May you have smooth sailing ahead.  Happy 2020.

Death Rituals in Other Countries

If you are interested in thanatology (the study of death), I recommend the 2017 book, From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to find the Good Death by Caitlin Doughty.  It’s a fascinating account of death practices in parts of the US and in other countries.  I admit I was both fascinated and appalled by some of the rituals and at the same time, awed by the myriad ways people’s faith and customs direct their grief. 

There is no “best” way to die or to mourn; there is only the “best” way in the culture in which one lives.

Let me know if you read the book.  And if you are in Pittsburgh on December 12, 2019 please come to the Death Café at the Upper St. Clair Library at 7 PM.  Look in the archives for posts about Death Cafés or visit deathcafe.com.

Ashes, Now What

A story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reaffirms the importance of talking to one’s family about end of life decisions.  I never gave this much thought until now.  When a person requests cremation, I assumed the family or designated person would either take the cremains in a container, make arrangements to bury the container, or spread the ashes in a designated place.  Nationally, in 2018, 15,000 containers were not picked up; that’s 1% of all cremations.  While the percentage is not high, funeral homes have boxes going way back…even for 40 years.  Some funeral homes may decide to bury the containers in a single grave after a specified period of time.

One solution may be to request payment from the family for burying the cremains and if the family claims the container, the family will be reimbursed.  Asking for a fee, according to one funeral home, has led to a decrease in abandoned cremains. 

There are no easy answers.  And family members who were deemed responsible for handling end of life wishes may themselves take ill or die before they can carry out their responsibilities.   So, it is important for us, as responsible citizens, to make our wishes known to our family, including what we want done with our ashes.

Thoughts?   Please share and start a conversation in your own community.

What a Great Idea!

From The Washington Post, November 14, 2019:  A family is downsizing after living in their home for 45 years.  They decided to throw a party and encourage their guests to take an item or ten from their home.  Is this the beginning of a downsizing party phenomena? 

From the pictures in the article, it looked like the couple had many keepsakes, souvenirs from years of travel, and political memorabilia.  Included in the giveaway were plant cuttings and books.  It also appeared they had lots of friends who had children and grandchildren who needed things. 

The author likened the party to the Swedish practice of “death cleaning” which I have written about.

Reminds me of the clothing swap that was the rage years ago where a group of women would bring clothes they no longer wanted to a designated location and swap with their friends.   A clothing party! Nowadays, there are websites where you can sell your clothes or buy used clothes. 

Since I am in smaller quarters, I have to carefully decide if I have space when I am considering a purchase- clothing, shoes, canned goods, health and beauty items, and even refrigerated items. 

Think about this when making a purchase.  Is it a need or a want?  No easy answers.

Let me know your thoughts.

No Regrets

A story on nextavenue.org/talk-about-death, discusses Katie Couric’s regrets.She wanted to be positive as her first husband was dying of colon cancer.  She said she never discussed with him the idea that he might die. 

She is now writing her memoir and met with the doctors who took care of Jay Monahan to “revisit” those days. 

I was surprised by her admission.  I thought Katie Couric “has it all together”.  She’s smart, articulate, and has all the resources at her fingertips.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.   She was as vulnerable as any of us and when we are in a crisis mode, we don’t think straight.  That’s why it is so important to make plans ahead; to talk with family about the “D” word. 

The story goes on to say that the $16 billion US funeral industry is being shaken up by the new thoughts of death rituals and burials.  I have not watched the HBO documentary Alternate Endings: Six New Ways to Die in America, released August 14, 2019.  However, I have written about many of the show’s topics: green burials and urns among others.  What I have not discussed and what is a new idea to me is the “living wake” which “force people to say things to each other while still alive.”    I’d rather have a birthday or holiday party than a living wake!  The key, as I see it, is to talk to your family about your death and how you want it to be handled. 

The D word doesn’t take away hope or research; it merely makes it less frightening.  And while I’m on the subject of talking about death, I will be hosting another Death Café in Pittsburgh in December.  There is even a Facebook group for Death Café Pittsburgh!  Let me know if you are interested in attending and I'll send you info as it becomes available.

Until next time…

Music at a Funeral

I held onto an article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for over a year.  It was a feel-good piece by Brian O’Neill about a duo (keyboard and guitar) who play for weddings and funerals in the Pittsburgh area.  What a concept!  I think background music in a funeral home would be comforting.  While I have not experienced this- yet- I think music would be calming.  What are your thoughts? 

Musical selections, in addition to hymns if that is in your tradition, is one more way to honor the deceased and is another option for someone who wants music at his/her funeral to be proactive.  Recently there have been several obituaries that are funny and/ or sarcastic that have gone viral on the internet.  The deceased either wrote it in advance or the family created it as an homage to their loved one.  Planning ahead is the key and sets the stage for the long period of grieving for friends and family.

Please share your thoughts.

Resources for Advanced Directives

While we know we need advanced directives, many of us have not taken the steps to create this document.  Here are several resources:

1.      Five Wishes, https://www.agingwithdignity.org

2.     PREPARE^TM for Your Care, https://www.prepareforyourcare.org/welcome

3.     Put it in Writing: American Hospital Association (AHA),  https://aha.org/2017-12-11-put-it-writing

4.     The Conversation Project, http://theconversationproject.org

This website also has resources for communities to create a Conversation Project Sabbath.  Log on and share the information with your clergy.


And, of course, there is always an attorney who can help you work through your decision making process.

Writing an Advanced Directive is Hard

The Washington Post August 12, 1029 issue contained an article written by an ICU nurse.  She discussed her hesitation and indecision to write a living will, yet she sees the agony when families of patients under her care do not have one.  According to her information based on a 2017 study, only one-third of Americans have any sort of advanced directives. And this statistic includes health care professionals.


So why is their such a gap between thinking about advanced directives and actually creating them?


“The first barrier to advanced-care planning is often understanding what is involved…. An advance directive is a document that usually includes two separate elements: naming a health-care surrogate and creating a living will.”


The author points out the difficulty of looking at a form that may not have any bearing on the patient’s condition.  When a person is healthy and creating a living will, fantasizing about what may happen in the future can be a useless exercise.  The suggestion is made to appoint a surrogate or health care power of attorney with whom you can talk to about what you really want and about what’s really important to you when you are facing end of life decisions.


Another barrier to creating the document or discussing the issues with family is fear of talking about death.  So how do we overcome the fear?  Perhaps by “Framing end of life planning as a service to loved ones…”  The author of the article filled out “Five Wishes” which is an online document. She named a health care proxy and two backups.  She then wrote she did not want her life to be artificially prolonged by machines. She then had 2 friends witness the document which was legally necessary in her state and she put the form in her file cabinet.  


The important element is she has shared the location of the document with the important people in her life.  It’s great if one takes the steps to create the documents only to hide the documents where no one will find them.  


If you would like to read to entire article, look for “I’m an ICU nurse.  I know I need an end-of-life directive. So why can ‘t I bring myself to write it?” by Andrea Useem, August 12, 2019, The Washington Post. 

What are your thoughts about this dilemma?  Do you have advanced directives and a health care proxy?

Photo by Andy 'Thrasher

Payment for Caregivers

Several months ago an article appeared in the local newspaper about being compensated for family caretaking.  While I knew about programs for low income families in my county, I was not aware of concerns for middle and upper income families.  It seems that if the individual made gifts to their caregiver and then went into a skilled nursing facility and applied for Medicaid, the individual would be under the “5 year lookback” period (monies that were given to others for 5 years prior to the application for Medicaid) and if the amounts were substantial, the gifts might create an ineligibility period for Medicaid.

The attorneys (the authors of the article) suggest creating a written document that spells out exactly what services will be offered and the reasonable amount of money given for each service.  For example, with meals (who will do the shopping, cooking and cleaning up), who will do home maintenance, who will do the bookkeeping (bill paying, balancing the checkbook), and who will provide transportation (who buys the gas, services the car, pays for insurance and/ or car payments).  Also, it is suggested that a written log be kept of the time and money spent. 

Record keeping is essential.  Look into a “Caregiver Agreement” with an attorney to make sure the individual will not be penalized if he/she needs to go on Medicaid.  Also, talking with an attorney may educate you as the caregiver about your responsibility to report your income to the IRS. 

Thoughts?  Comments? 

We've Moved

But are we organized?  We unpacked, hung a few pictures, continued to give away “stuff” that couldn’t fit in the space and now we are reorganizing.  Take heed, if you are planning a move, add several months to the timetable to reach that sense of “moved in”. 

Of course, during the process, life continues:  laundry, grocery shopping, pre scheduled appointments, cooking, etc.

Lessons learned:  complete post office change of address forms 6-8 weeks in advance of the move; contact credit card companies, insurance companies (health/car/homeowners/renters/life), family members, doctors, financial services, mail service pharmacy, shopping sites that have your address preprogrammed in their system, charities you may want to receive mail from, and any other contacts from whom you receive mail.  Go to AAA or go online for a change in driver’s license and owner’s card.  To easily donate clothing or small household items, keep a few large bags or small boxes in which to put things that you thought you could use and now realize you can’t.

And after the move is completed and the organizing/reorganizing is done, sit back and celebrate.  You are entering a new phase of your life.  Focus on the positives, the negatives will always be there.

And think about the following: Does my will need to be changed?  Do I have a secure place for my important papers and do the important people know the location? 

Please share this and encourage your friends to subscribe.  My goal is to have 100 subscribers by the end of 2019.

Moving/Downsizing=Stress

I’m pretty good about dealing with the ends of a Bell Curve.  Extreme sadness or medical issue can be dealt with; joy and jubilation can be dealt with.  But this slow stream of having to give up things that have been a part of me is really, really difficult.  Intellectually, I understand that in order to have room for the new, the old needs to be discarded.  But, boy, it is difficult.  I also understand that the less “stuff” one has, the easier it is to clean the space….mentally and materially.

We are moving into a space one half of the current footprint.  When I agreed to move, I didn’t expect to find a new location so quickly and I didn’t expect the experience to be so tumultuous. 

Selling things conjures up feelings of sadness, fun, excitement, and resignation.  To have a house sale or not; to sell pieces individually on Craig’s List or eBay or Facebook Marketplace or not; to donate or not; to locate a consignment shop or not.  And of course, all this while trying to keep the daily routine and responsibilities.  Whenever I think about or utter the word “trying”, I remember a comment by Tony Robbins who said something like “trying” is not doing.  So I will rewrite the above phrase:  all this while keeping the daily routine and responsibilities.  I actually feel better.  Less overwhelm. 

Lessons learned from selling a house: 1) the less cluttered it is, the better it shows; 2) the cleaner it is, the better it shows; 3) the better your paperwork, i.e., the dates, companies, improvements made, the easier the disclosure form can be completed and the more accurate the written description for the house ads becomes; 4) lower expectations for meal prep during the time the house is on the market makes for less stress; 5) every day is a day in which the perfect buyer will see the house so every day the house must look pristine.

I will be speaking to an AARP group later this month about my blog and my mission to encourage people to organize their intentions so that those who inherit the responsibility to deal with the person’s incapacity or death will actually know where things are and what to do. 

Contact me if you have a Pittsburgh group that would be open to having me speak. 

An Organizing Hiatus

I have been working on downsizing my photo collection for about a year.  What I thought would be a 6 month project is, well, much more involved that I imagined.  I think I am about half way and other, more pressing projects are coming up so back on the shelf go the albums and boxes that have been sitting on my work station. 

What has taken so long is the memories the pictures hold.  So I stop and remember and the time flies by.  I have managed to scan photos and old film and have the film transferred to DVD.  I even learned how to make copies so each of my kids will have one.  The photos have been uploaded to photo books and as I write this, I am waiting for slides that I found to be scanned.  These will also be uploaded and described in book form.  My kids will not know the people in the pictures unless I tell them.  They will not know me as a young woman and my grandkids will certainly not know the brown haired girl in the photos as their gray-haired grandmother. 

Reviewing the photos has rekindled my interest in genealogy.  While there’s tons of information available- many resources for free- the search takes an inordinate amount of time. 

If anyone in cyberspace is working on similar projects, let us know how you are faring.  We are works in progress no matter what our age.