For Mothers with Daughters, and Daughters with Daughters

One of my younger friends asked me about my experience with menopause.  To be honest, I don’t remember all the details however, the reason for her question prompted me to contact my doctor and ask for a copy of my medical records.  My friend’s mother passed away many years ago. She has no aunts so she is asking friends.  Her gynecologist told her that women focus on “first periods” and not on “last periods” with their own offspring.    How true.  We may want to forget the experience but for those of us who have daughters, it is important to write down our experience with it.

I don’t even remember my first.  What I do recall is having to write down a date on many, many forms over the years.  What I think happened is that I arbitrarily came up with the year.  Was I really 12 or could I have been 13?   Could I have been 11? There is no one to ask now and I wish I would have kept notes and I certainly wish my mother would have kept notes on me as well as on her own medical issues.  Alas, as with most of the population, there is no one to ask.

In requesting a copy of my records I learned that medical practices may send a summary at no cost to a new practitioner if the patient is changing doctors.  It would cost me well over a dollar a page for my former gynecologist to send me the records and having been with the practice for over 20 years, that would be a lot of money.  Since I changed practices, my former doctor will send the records as a “courtesy.”  And when I have my next appointment I will discuss what information I need to share with my daughters and encourage them to write it down because all my daughters have daughters.

To moms who are reading this and to adult daughters who have daughters:  write it down; don’t leave it to memory.  I remember being told I was “becoming a woman” when I got my period.  Does that mean I stopped being a woman when it ended?  Nonsense.  Many of my friends referred to menopause as “freedom”.  But was having a period, bondage? 

I think each day just “is”.  No adjectives.  I find it interesting that I never considered menopause to be part of my medical history.  Now I do.  

Ethical Will #2

An Ethical Will can provide many answers to questions the family doesn’t know to ask.  Some of these questions can be found in Ethical Wills, A Modern Treasury, by Jack Riemer and Nathaniel Stempfer.   For example: 

            “Who were/are the important people in my life?”

            ”What did I learn from them?”

            “Which events stand out in my memory?”

            “What do I value?”

           “What matters most in my life?”

           “What am I proud of?” 

           “What advice can I give to future generations?”

There are also stories related to objects that will enhance their intrinsic value.  I am looking at a latch hook wall hanging that my niece brought back from Venezuela about 35 years ago.  She spent part of a high school year there.  My kids will not remember her giving it to me but I have enjoyed looking at it these many years and they need to know why it is on the wall.  On my “to do” list is to take sticky notes and write an explanation about some of the objects that are important to me.  While I will do this for the wall hanging as soon as I complete this post, I still need to schedule time to make notes about the other items in my world. 

And we come to the crux of the problem:  how to get over the resistance to doing a behavior.  Making the effort acknowledges the truth- that I will die some day and my things will be passed on or thrown away.  Acknowledging reality and the changes that could make life better- cleaning out a closet, losing weight, spending money or not spending money, etc.  can be scary.  There is an old story that if you ask people to pack up their troubles and go around to others to see which pack they would rather have, they will go back to their own- because it is familiar, regardless of how sad and difficult their lot may be. 

I challenge my readers to make an effort to make one tiny change and when you are successful with that change, make another.  Perhaps sooner, rather than later, you will be able to start on your own version of an ethical will.

Have you started a memoir?  Have you written “wish lists” for your family?  Share your thoughts.

Ethical Will -- Part 1

The first time I heard the term, Ethical Will, I was intrigued.  Was it a legal document?  Would I have to pay an attorney another fee?  Nope!  An Ethical Will can be a story of your life, a wish list of hopes and dreams you have for your loved ones, an explanation of items that will be passed down or any and all of these things.  It makes sense.  How many of us are intrigued by biographies of famous people.  Many people had to write down information about the individual or families had to save letters and documents related to that person for a biographer to come along years later and write the person’s story.

In our current tech world, few of us actually write letters with pen and paper.  Our lives are on our computer.  So it stands to reason that we can use the computer to create an Ethical Will.  A young friend started email accounts for her kids when they were born and she emails them when significant things happen in their lives.   She tells them what it was like when each of her kids  learned to walk, what their first words were, and what holidays were like in their home.  She also talks to them about her dreams for them.  The short emails are about their lives and about their parents’ lives and they will have the stories when they are older.

Another friend writes letters- on paper- to her kids on their birthdays telling them about their successes and challenges of the year and what her hopes and dreams are for the coming year.  She keeps the letters in her fireproof safe. 

The best definition I have read for an Ethical Will is that it is a document that stresses Values over Valuables.  It can be a personal mission statement.  It can also include family history including stories that were passed down to you but were never written down.  Yes, it takes time…a lot of time.  But it is an incredible legacy to pass down to future generations. 

To be continued…..