My Father's Death

After my mother died in 1974, my father came to live with us.  His eye sight was poor and I was always on edge when he was walking around the house for fear he would fall over one of the kids- 4 and 2 years old- or their toys.  He realized that living in a two story house with little children was not the safest environment so he agreed to go to a senior living center.

Later, he went into a nursing home.  He actually thrived in those environments.  Though he had physical issues, his mind was clear and alert.  On Feb 18, 1988, I got a call at work from the Home. He  had awakened, sat up in bed and then laid down and died. 

My parents did not have much money and by the time my father died, all their savings had been used so there was nothing to inherit.  They had sold their house years before and most of their possessions were sold or given away after my mother’s death.  As an only child, I had no one with whom to discuss matters but I knew from our discussions and my experience with my mother what he wanted. 

For me, the “stuff” of their lives was easily managed.  But for friends and other family members, the death of parents or spouses became nightmares.  Dealing with the traumatic fact of the death of a loved one is difficult enough.  When you have to make decisions about funerals, burials, unpaid bills, and a cyber-presence, life becomes more difficult.

Share your stories of dealing with the paperwork after the death of a loved one.  What information were you missing that could have made the task easier?  What lessons did you learn from the process? The more we discuss these issues, the more information we can share and learn from each other.

Image credit:  Tammy Dial Gray

My Mother's Death

New Year’s Eve is supposed to be happy and fun.  But New Year’s Eve, 1973 wasn’t.  We returned from a party and as we were paying the babysitter, the phone rang.  Never a good sign.  It was my father.  My mother was having chest pains.  They, too, had just returned from dinner, a celebratory 34^thanniversary dinner.   We asked the babysitter to stay and we drove over to their apartment which was about 10 minutes away. Since she was able to walk and talk, we did not call an ambulance- first mistake. We hustled her into the car and raced to the Hospital. After getting her check-in, we waited- second mistake.   At some point I went up to the receptionist and said she was having chest pains again which finally prompted the staff to get her into a room and to call a doctor.  She died 5 days later after suffering several more heart attacks and a collapsed lung.

Lessons learned—1-- a patient brought in by ambulance has a higher priority to be seen in the ER; 2-- being assertive when dealing with a health crisis is necessary.

I don’t think the outcome would have been any different; however, as I look back and see things as a movie being played out in front of me, I believe I would have been less scared and more in control if I had thought about what could happen in medical emergencies and death.  “Knowledge is power” has been around for a long time.  And while that’s true, I believe the power comes first from knowing where information is and where resources are.  In other words, where to find the knowledge is the first step in finding the power.

Perhaps that experience was the seed for my current mission- to get people of all ages to talk about the details of dealing with a death.  Getting uncomfortable topics on the table is practice for real life situations.

Since my parents no longer owned a home, my mother did not own anything in her own name and there was no internet, the paperwork after her death was minimal. As an only child, I did not have to share any of the keepsakes or personal affects. 

Dealing with my death will not be easy for my 4 daughters, 4 sons-in-law, 3 step-daughters, 3 step sons-in-laws, 17 grandchildren (soon to be 18) and who knows- by then I may have some great grandchildren. I own a car and have a presence on the Internet which I plan to have for many, many more years. Photos are no longer in tangible albums but in a cloud.  The “stuff” of life is more complicated for most of us.  This blog will explore the ever growing number of details that people must deal with when a family member dies.

I am not a lawyer, estate planner or accountant.  I am, however, someone who is interested in helping families with the conversation.  Stay tuned….

Donald Trump

Donald Trump does not seem to know where he wants to be buried.  At least that’s what he was quoted as saying in a Wall Street Journal article on Saturday, June 27, 2015.  The story discussed a trend of people wanting to be cremated and then having their ashes scattered on their favorite golf course.  Since Mr. Trump owns many courses and is a player, he was asked about his wishes for a final resting place. 

One would think that someone as high profile and wealthy as Donald Trump would have his wishes planned.  And perhaps he does and wanted his wishes to be kept private.  Or perhaps he is like the majority of people who are unwilling or unable to discuss end of life issues.  I certainly don’t know but what I do know is that once we reach a point to discuss this topic, some of the fear and trepidation goes away.  That’s the purpose of this blog.  Let’s get the topic out from under the bed and into the daylight.

I want to nudge you to get organized.  While this task can often be farmed out, this particular part of the organization should be created by YOU.  It is no one else’s business about what is in your will, who your insurance agent is, where your bank accounts are located, etc.  Someone trusted only needs to know the location of the document on which you have written the information.

How do you find an attorney who specializes in wills, trusts and estates?  Ask your friends for a recommendation, ask an attorney, contact your local Bar Association or visit the American Bar Association website and click on your state --

http://apps.americanbar.org/legalservices/findlegalhelp/home.cfm.

Once you have your wishes on paper, take a deep breath and prepare for the discussion with your family.  While it may be uncomfortable at first, the more open you are, the more accepting your family should be.  And if the discussion is closed off the first time, remember, you can always bring up the topic again.

Image: Pixabay.com

The Start of the Conversation

William Harrison, an executive in international sales, died unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 56.   His wife wants to notify his customers but does not know his password for his email account.  Susan Marley, 92, dies and leaves the family a safe but no one knows the combination.  Mildred and John Sawyer, both in their 40's, die in a car crash and no one knows if they had any prearrangements with a funeral home or cemetery.   These are all terrible situations that are compounded by a serious lack of information during an already traumatic time.

To lessen the turmoil that accompanies a death whether it is expected or not is to prepare the information and tell someone where the information is kept, not necessarily the specifics- just where the document(s) can be found in the event of an emergency.  The trusted person can be an adult child, a lawyer, a close friend or relative.  Perhaps the documents are with an attorney.  Someone in the family, along with the spouse, needs to know that name and phone number. 

My mission is to help people talk about getting their information on paper- or on the computer as long as someone else knows the password.  I see one of my responsibilities as a member of society is to lessen the burden when I leave this earth.  I have written instructions in my fireproof box and my husband and children know where the box is located. 

Think about it, what is stopping you from putting pen to paper.  Superstition?  Not having a trusted person in your life?  Do you think you don’t have enough assets to warrant a will and therefore don’t need a list of instructions?  If you have a bank account, a Facebook page, an email address, automatic bill paying, a will, specific burial instructions or other unique information about your life, then you need a piece of paper with the information so that others know what to do with when you die. 

In the coming weeks, I will be sharing a document that I developed to help you organize your information.  As a will is fluid, this document has to be fluid, too.  How many times do you change your passwords?  This is not the “be all, the end all” of information gathering; it IS a start.  

Image credit:  Lassarone Motumboe