Ethical Will #2

An Ethical Will can provide many answers to questions the family doesn’t know to ask.  Some of these questions can be found in Ethical Wills, A Modern Treasury, by Jack Riemer and Nathaniel Stempfer.   For example: 

            “Who were/are the important people in my life?”

            ”What did I learn from them?”

            “Which events stand out in my memory?”

            “What do I value?”

           “What matters most in my life?”

           “What am I proud of?” 

           “What advice can I give to future generations?”

There are also stories related to objects that will enhance their intrinsic value.  I am looking at a latch hook wall hanging that my niece brought back from Venezuela about 35 years ago.  She spent part of a high school year there.  My kids will not remember her giving it to me but I have enjoyed looking at it these many years and they need to know why it is on the wall.  On my “to do” list is to take sticky notes and write an explanation about some of the objects that are important to me.  While I will do this for the wall hanging as soon as I complete this post, I still need to schedule time to make notes about the other items in my world. 

And we come to the crux of the problem:  how to get over the resistance to doing a behavior.  Making the effort acknowledges the truth- that I will die some day and my things will be passed on or thrown away.  Acknowledging reality and the changes that could make life better- cleaning out a closet, losing weight, spending money or not spending money, etc.  can be scary.  There is an old story that if you ask people to pack up their troubles and go around to others to see which pack they would rather have, they will go back to their own- because it is familiar, regardless of how sad and difficult their lot may be. 

I challenge my readers to make an effort to make one tiny change and when you are successful with that change, make another.  Perhaps sooner, rather than later, you will be able to start on your own version of an ethical will.

Have you started a memoir?  Have you written “wish lists” for your family?  Share your thoughts.

Ethical Will -- Part 1

The first time I heard the term, Ethical Will, I was intrigued.  Was it a legal document?  Would I have to pay an attorney another fee?  Nope!  An Ethical Will can be a story of your life, a wish list of hopes and dreams you have for your loved ones, an explanation of items that will be passed down or any and all of these things.  It makes sense.  How many of us are intrigued by biographies of famous people.  Many people had to write down information about the individual or families had to save letters and documents related to that person for a biographer to come along years later and write the person’s story.

In our current tech world, few of us actually write letters with pen and paper.  Our lives are on our computer.  So it stands to reason that we can use the computer to create an Ethical Will.  A young friend started email accounts for her kids when they were born and she emails them when significant things happen in their lives.   She tells them what it was like when each of her kids  learned to walk, what their first words were, and what holidays were like in their home.  She also talks to them about her dreams for them.  The short emails are about their lives and about their parents’ lives and they will have the stories when they are older.

Another friend writes letters- on paper- to her kids on their birthdays telling them about their successes and challenges of the year and what her hopes and dreams are for the coming year.  She keeps the letters in her fireproof safe. 

The best definition I have read for an Ethical Will is that it is a document that stresses Values over Valuables.  It can be a personal mission statement.  It can also include family history including stories that were passed down to you but were never written down.  Yes, it takes time…a lot of time.  But it is an incredible legacy to pass down to future generations. 

To be continued…..

Home Owner's Insurance

Judi’s aunt died several months ago and the family has been in the process of settling the estate.  The aunt owned her own home and many of the nieces and nephews have taken various pieces of furniture out of the house.  Interestingly, the home owner’s insurance company has been on Judi’s back to put the home up for sale sooner rather than later.  Since spring is a better time to show a home, she thought she could wait.  The company has other ideas.  I checked with my own insurance company and here’s what I learned.

If a home is vacant- no furniture- then the company will not insure the structure for vandalism after 30 days.  If someone other than the owner or spouse lives in the house, the house becomes a rental property and the appropriate insurance needs to be purchased.  This is so far afield from what I assumed- that as long as the premium was paid, the structure was totally insured.  Three things I learned today:  1) read the home owner’s insurance policy to learn about coverage when the owner dies,  2) prepare to sell the home as quickly as possible and 3) make sure the insurance is up to date. 

Insurance policies differ from company to company/state to state and it is a good idea to check out the insurance of any property for which you become responsible.

While I was on the phone with my insurance company, I asked what happens to auto insurance when the driver dies.  I was told that “someone” should call the company to let them know of the death and to let them know who will be driving the car- even if it is only for a few months until both the car is sold and the title transferred or the title is transferred to someone per the will.

This is one more reason to be sure that loved ones know the name and phone number of the insurance companies. 

THE Conversation with my Kids

Through several time zones and plans to occupy the grandchildren, my kids, my husband and I had The Conversation.  Since I had updated my will, I wanted my kids to be aware of the changes and to hear my wishes for my advanced directives.  I have had snippets of conversation with them individually, I thought it was time to get them all together. Yay, Skype!!  With 4 daughters it is hard for me to remember what I told to whom and when.  I was proud of myself for initiating the conversation and for figuring out the technology so we could talk.

Talking about my death is not a new subject to them.  I don’t have any superstitions related to death and dying and I have always been pretty open with them about my thoughts and feelings in general.  What was new was the fact that they were all listening to the same information at the same time.  I knew this had to be a group conversation and not a group email.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I sent out an email.  Maybe if group messaging was available then, I would have selected it as the mode of communication though getting my 4 daughters and 3 step daughters together on a call would have been a feat because of their own commitments. 

What is most important it that my kids heard the information, were reassured that I am planning to live at least another 20 years, and they now have a topic of conversation to have between themselves:  “What is mom doing?  How will we know what is best?”  If they really listened, they know that I have taken the decision out of their hands and that I do know what I am doing- I am in control.” 

Have you had similar conversations?  What is holding you back?  Please share your thoughts…we learn from each other.

Image:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/larrison

LifeLong Learning

Want to talk to a lawyer about a will, advanced directives, power of attorney, etc.? Check out the Osher LifeLong Learning Institute classes on Elder Law. I attended a series several years ago and it fueled my desire to start this blog.  Carol Sikov Gross, Esquire (http://www.sikovandlove.com/) led the class and her handouts were most informative.  The discussion and the individual situations of the students- there were 10 of us- were eye opening.  If you have the opportunity to attend an informational class, seriously think about it.  Well worth the time. 

I remember a woman who was interested in donating her body to science after her death.  It was obvious from the difficulty she had walking that she was experiencing significant medical problems.  She worked all of her life in executive positions and she knew how to take charge of things.  I guess she was in the “information gathering” stage.  And I frequently think of her and wonder what happened to her.  I’ll bet she had all her papers organized, her will and advanced directives completed.  She impressed me as a “doer” not just a talker and thinker. 

I’m still working on my “to do” list.  This isn’t for the faint of heart.  Gathering information, thinking about the future can be overwhelming.  Breaking tasks down into small manageable bites is the best way to motivate myself.  For example, I could have said to myself:  “Self- you need to clean up the office.”  Instead, I said, “Self- you need to clean off your desk.”  Yes, it took me 2 days because of interruptions but the job was accomplished and now I can find things more easily. 

Tell me stories about your family and end of life situations.  Let’s share and learn from each other.

Let them eat CAKE

A few months ago I was surfing the web and came across CAKE, an end of life planning app.  The unusual name caught my interest and here’s what I found. Suelin Chen and Mark Zhang teamed up and created this app which is a MassChallenge finalist in 2015.  I don’t think it's available to the public yet; however, when it becomes available, it will be a great way to start the conversation for young people. 

While I may be showing my age, having an app to make you think about what you want at the end of life is definitely a younger generation trend.   The article I read mentioned that after you sign up, the app asks a series of 35 yes/no questions.  Some relate to basic information like funeral home choice and some require serious thinking.  One that was mentioned was “yes or no, I want people to have a stiff drink on the anniversary of my death”.  I’m sure there are more serious questions but this is a good one.  Would we want our friends to celebrate our lives each year?  Would we be too embarrased to ask them?  Is drinking the best way to memoralize a friend?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  Would a more appropriate statement be " Yes/no, I want my friends to make a donation to a charitable cause on the anniversary of my death."  Cultural influences certainly apply to what is seemingly a simple question.

You can find the article by Dylan Martin at: bostinno.streetwise.co (http://bostinno.streetwise.co/2015/10/09/end-of-life-planning-app-cake-helps-make-final-wishes-known/) .

I wish this company well.  The more we talk about it, the easier end of life issues are dealt with.  And kudos to these young people who are using their ingenuity to open doors for those of us who are hesitant to talk about uncomfortable yet inevitable subjects.

Image: Carlos ZGZ

ICE Reinvented

The younger generation is so much more in tuned with technology.  I love being corrected by my grandkids.  And I am sharing this bit of information with you.

Several weeks ago, I talked about ICE – In Case of Emergency.  With a locked phone, the ICE listings are not available to first responders—or so I thought. On most cell phones there is a place to push for emergencies.  This will get you to a screen to make a call or to go to the Medical ID app.  Silly me thought the “emergency” would automatically call 911.  My granddaughter informed me that it wouldn’t and that I should complete the Medical ID app which would contain Emergency Contacts, prescriptions I take and any pertinent medical information I want to include on the app.  The app also asks if I am an organ donor.  How cool is that?  And how many people who have a cell phone never read the instruction manual to learn about all the neat things the phone can do.  Yes, I am one of those people.  Check out the Health App on the iPhone and look for the Medical ID tab.

If you learned something new, please let me know.  My goal is to educate the important people in my life and that’s YOU.  And please share this information.