Hidden Treasures

A story in a local newspaper shed light on the challenge of “stuff”.  The reporter wrote about a woman who is faced with clearing out her mother’s home.  The mom lived with her sister for over 60 years.  That’s 60 years of stuff from essentially 2 independent women.  The mom was married and had several children and subsequently multiple grandchildren and great grandchildren.   The sister in law worked as a buyer for an upscale clothing store.  Now, the daughter/niece has to determine what to do with all the items so that the house can be sold.  This is a very time consuming task. 

The article quoted several Professional Organizers.  Both said the same thing- look over the materials and select a few things to bring into your own home.  Do you really need all the love letters from World War II or will a few suffice?  How many sets of dishes do you want to bring into your own home?  If you don’t know the people in the photos, do you really need the picture?  Many of us had scrapbooks, before scrapbooking was a “thing”.  I recently looked at one of mine and realized the greeting cards I saved were meaningless and my kids wouldn’t know the senders; I put the books into the trash.  One less thing for my kids to do when I am no longer around.

There are people in the community who can use dishes, pots and pans, etc.  As responsible adults, we can make those decisions now so that our loved ones won’t be saddled with the task later.  If the children and grandchildren already have their own homes, they probably do not need another set of dishes or pots. 

Schedule a few hours each week to go through a closet, a chest, a few drawers.  Get rid of the extra stuff now by selling it, giving it away or throwing it away.  I’m not talking about being a minimalist; I am talking about freeing oneself of things/clutter/old and outdated items.

There’s lots of talk about food cleanses/ detox now.  Whether or not they work is another topic.  A “stuff” detox, however, will be very helpful to your loved ones.

CON MAN

A friend’s 95 year old mother (we will call her Gwen) gave $6000 to a funeral home owner for her pre-paid funeral.  Unfortunately she made the check payable directly to the owner- not the funeral home.  Then the funeral home filed for bankruptcy.  So what’s a daughter to do?  First she called the police.  Then she reviewed the situation with her mother who is embarrassed.  The funeral home owner was supposed to be arrested but is now working for another funeral home in the same town. 

But what happens to Gwen who lost $6000?   Will she live long enough to get it back?  Sad.  I don’t have the answers; it continues to amaze me that bright, sharp people can be swept off their feet by a fast talking con man.  Lesson- talk to friends/family before making an investment. 

And how can we prevent our elderly loved ones from becoming victims to con artists?  One way might be to convince the individual to add another person’s name to their checking account so that all checks require 2 signatures.  I know – families are complicated.  This may not work for all families.

 

Trust is a complicated issue.  And pride can be even more complicated.  As older adults, can we trust our kids?  Can we trust the business establishments in our community?  How do we face our friends and relatives when we have made a mistake?  Personally, I think friends and family who would ridicule someone who is in a bind are not really friends.  They are not trustworthy. 

I send good wishes to Gwen.  I hope she gets all of her money back and I hope the person who stole from her is punished.

Comments?  Leave your comments below.

What Are Your Goals?

We can look at this question from many angles.  Are we training for a competition?  Are we trying to lose or gain weight?  Do we need to choose a career? And this question is also relatable to health care. 

An article in The Washington Post by Dr. Mitch Kaminshi from March 9, 2015 discusses this question from the patient’s point of view.  The medical community generally wants to solve the problem for the patient.  The patient may really want to be able to reach a level of quality of life that is important to him/her.

The same goes for thinking about how we want to leave our “stuff” to our heirs.  What are our goals?  Do we want to leave our papers in order?  Have all the important information readily accessible?  Or do we want our children or friends/ family to have a difficult time finding papers, names, and phone numbers in order to settle our estate?  Do we want to allocate our money in a specific way or do we want to leave it to the state?  Do we want people arguing over our care or do we want to have our wishes carried out if we are incapacitated? 

Each of us has an idea of what we want and too often no one asks us for our thoughts.  So tell your family you want them to have a difficult time finding all your papers when the situation calls for it so they will get off your back about getting a will or organizing your papers.  Or tell them you are taking action and getting your affairs in order and insist they should do the same.  Use my form or find another one as a start.

What are YOUR goals?  

Death Cafe

I know, it's a weird title.

I had heard of Death Dinners but not Death Cafes-- until recently.  Death Cafes is a series of meetings to discuss and explore feelings and attitudes toward death.  The movement began in Europe in 2011.  The University of North Carolina at  Ashville has hosted several Death Cafes.  At the meetings the 50 participants talk about their own death, the death of others and how that experience impacted them, and how they want to see their death unfold.  The leader makes one statement to start the discussion, "What is your relationship with death and dying and let that be your guide."   

People seems to leave these programs in a calm state and with a determination to discuss the subject of death with their loved ones.  A survey by The  Conversation Project, found 90 percent of people polled said talking with their loved ones about end-of-life care is important, but only about 30 percent said they had actually had the talk.  Of course, this is what we do...we ruminate over things, have talks in our head, read, think and infrequently take the final step to talk about the issue. 

You can hear Helen Chickering's report on WCQS's news . 

Would you attend a Death Café?  How about a pot luck Death Dinner?   

Off Topic—Safety in the Kitchen

This blog discusses one more issue to which we, as responsible adults, need to pay attention.

Here’s the scenario:  You are having a dinner party and know you need to prepare foods ahead of time so you are not stressed during the party.  How do you make food ahead of time and reheat it so that it doesn’t spoil?

First, you need to cool foods quickly to get them from the stove to the fridge.  This involves placing the food in shallow pans so there is a greater surface exposed to the air.  Or you can put the pot/pan in an ice bath- just make sure the container with the ice is clean.  Another way of cooling is to divide the large quantity into smaller portions.  I like to put either a trivet or a pot holder under the container of warm food when I place it on my glass refrigerator shelf so that cool air can get under the container as well as over and around the sides.

Of course, you can always use a thermometer but most home cooks, including me, don’t do this.  Information from Contra Costa Environmental Health in California stated foods should be cooled from 135⁰ F to 41⁰F or below within 6 hours with the most significant drop of 135⁰ F to 70⁰F occurring within 2 hours. 

It is equally important to reheat foods to the proper temperature.  Foods should come up to 165⁰ F to kill off any bacteria that may have grown during the cooling or reheating process.  Many home cooks reheat in a microwave.  I am learning that it is important to rotate the food because microwaves sometimes have cool spots and the food may not be heated through.

Here’s an important fact sheet from the FDA about reheating leftovers.   https://www.fsis.usda.gov/wps/portal/fsis/topics/food-safety-education/get-answers/food-safety-fact-sheets/safe-food-handling/leftovers-and-food-safety/CT_Index

As a long time home cook, I didn’t think I needed to pay attention to this very basic kitchen lesson.  But I do.  Fortunately, I have not had any issue with any of the thousands of meals I have prepared but times are changing and I need to keep up.  I will start using my thermometer more often than just for the Thanksgiving turkey!

Comments.  Questions.

Who’s helping mom/dad?

Many people will need assistance in their homes.  Duties range from paying bills to driving to doctors’ appointments to cooking, cleaning, and even bathing the patient.  Recent cyber scams have again brought to light the nefarious actions of some individuals.  And these things are not just happening on the internet.  They are happening in the homes of vulnerable populations. 

The safest and most reliable option is to hire people through a reputable, licensed agency.  But if you decide to hire someone on your own, please do a criminal background check and ask for previous employer references.  While I advocate organizing one’s important papers into one location, common sense dictates to keep this location secure.  Don’t leave it out for workers to look at it.

 And families have a responsibility to check on things using a random schedule.  And the new mantra,  “if you see something, say something”, holds true in this situation.  If your gut tells you your loved one is being taken advantage of, contact the police.  

Wait

One of my daughters sent me an article about surviving spouses who impulsively review and change their finances.

The article suggests that surviving spouses wait a while before making financial decisions.  And the definition of surviving spouse does not only relate to the death of a spouse but to divorce. 

Amy Floiran, a thanatologist (an individual who studies death), is quoted as saying, “[Financial] Advisors don’t know how to communicate during times of grief” because they concentrate on hard numbers and they are uncomfortable dealing with clients who are grief stricken.

She suggests the advisor needs to listen to the client, ask open ended questions, and help the client avoid making quick decisions. 

While I am usually suggesting we take action, this time I seem to be suggesting we take a few breaths and let some time pass before we make changes to our finances.  The old adage, haste makes waste, applies here.   But then again, we don’t want to wait too long.  Again, the uniqueness of the individual comes into play here.  There is no “one size fits all”; there is common sense, some quiet time, and then the opportunity for change.

Comments?