Ashes, Now What

A story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reaffirms the importance of talking to one’s family about end of life decisions.  I never gave this much thought until now.  When a person requests cremation, I assumed the family or designated person would either take the cremains in a container, make arrangements to bury the container, or spread the ashes in a designated place.  Nationally, in 2018, 15,000 containers were not picked up; that’s 1% of all cremations.  While the percentage is not high, funeral homes have boxes going way back…even for 40 years.  Some funeral homes may decide to bury the containers in a single grave after a specified period of time.

One solution may be to request payment from the family for burying the cremains and if the family claims the container, the family will be reimbursed.  Asking for a fee, according to one funeral home, has led to a decrease in abandoned cremains. 

There are no easy answers.  And family members who were deemed responsible for handling end of life wishes may themselves take ill or die before they can carry out their responsibilities.   So, it is important for us, as responsible citizens, to make our wishes known to our family, including what we want done with our ashes.

Thoughts?   Please share and start a conversation in your own community.

No Regrets

A story on nextavenue.org/talk-about-death, discusses Katie Couric’s regrets.She wanted to be positive as her first husband was dying of colon cancer.  She said she never discussed with him the idea that he might die. 

She is now writing her memoir and met with the doctors who took care of Jay Monahan to “revisit” those days. 

I was surprised by her admission.  I thought Katie Couric “has it all together”.  She’s smart, articulate, and has all the resources at her fingertips.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.   She was as vulnerable as any of us and when we are in a crisis mode, we don’t think straight.  That’s why it is so important to make plans ahead; to talk with family about the “D” word. 

The story goes on to say that the $16 billion US funeral industry is being shaken up by the new thoughts of death rituals and burials.  I have not watched the HBO documentary Alternate Endings: Six New Ways to Die in America, released August 14, 2019.  However, I have written about many of the show’s topics: green burials and urns among others.  What I have not discussed and what is a new idea to me is the “living wake” which “force people to say things to each other while still alive.”    I’d rather have a birthday or holiday party than a living wake!  The key, as I see it, is to talk to your family about your death and how you want it to be handled. 

The D word doesn’t take away hope or research; it merely makes it less frightening.  And while I’m on the subject of talking about death, I will be hosting another Death Café in Pittsburgh in December.  There is even a Facebook group for Death Café Pittsburgh!  Let me know if you are interested in attending and I'll send you info as it becomes available.

Until next time…

Music at a Funeral

I held onto an article from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for over a year.  It was a feel-good piece by Brian O’Neill about a duo (keyboard and guitar) who play for weddings and funerals in the Pittsburgh area.  What a concept!  I think background music in a funeral home would be comforting.  While I have not experienced this- yet- I think music would be calming.  What are your thoughts? 

Musical selections, in addition to hymns if that is in your tradition, is one more way to honor the deceased and is another option for someone who wants music at his/her funeral to be proactive.  Recently there have been several obituaries that are funny and/ or sarcastic that have gone viral on the internet.  The deceased either wrote it in advance or the family created it as an homage to their loved one.  Planning ahead is the key and sets the stage for the long period of grieving for friends and family.

Please share your thoughts.